Magic potionHello friends! Have you ever eaten a dandelion? or dirty danced to our national anthem? or dreamt what life would be like if you were born a free-willed amoeba instead of a suffering human. Well have I got the tonic for you. It is tall and fizzy and just might knock your top off and make your nipples hard. Yesiree, with a quick swig of this warm, milky fluid you will grow two inches in every direction, you’ll be chosen by NASA to fly to the non planet of Pluto, and you’ll get to bring along the superhunk of your dreams, either Mike Tyson, Tom Petty or Alberto Gonzales.

It was invented by Ron L. Cubbard, science fiction writer and explorer. During a trip to Canada, he spoke with a farm boy who was standing next to a large goat-like short haired bison. The two entered into a sex-for-rent arrangement and also launched the now world famous “Shepherd’s Friend Health Tonic”. It tastes like your mother, it’s best served between lukewarm and boiling, and goes well with duck and veal.

I am a man.In Greenland, a two ounce bottle of this gift of the gods will cost you more than an upside down Ford Taurus. But now — actually not quite now — at the sweet stroke of midnight, on this blog only, I will sell you a bottle for the cheap as ass price of your dignity. That’s right, suckers, your dignity is all we will take! We’ll take your dignity and feed it to the ducks.

I know what you’re thinking. You’ve been robbed of your dignity by your spouse, your job, your career in low grade porn, and now you feel that your battered conscience and self esteem can’t handle anymore buffeting. Well, before you make your decision, may I also add that “Shepherd’s Friend Health Tonic” is gluten, dairy, soy, sugar, molasses, yeast, toast, hair, and egg free. (These claims have not been evaluated by the FDA)

Look into the eye of the beholder. It is time to be ahead of your time. Buy it or it will buy you. That is all. Link

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