Real ManI’ve been a man all my life. (The surgery only clarified that.)

And because I know all things testicular, I can navigate life with a little more ease than most. Take marketing for example: I know when and how I’m being manipulated. El Pollo Loco commercials always get my attention because that guy with the strange Antonio Banderas accent is beautiful, but not in an intimidating way. Mexican food always gets my mouth and anus watering and it’s not as though I need a lot of prompting to eat sour cream-ed fried things, but a sexy gent never hurt.

There are all kinds of ways to get a man to buy things and I have boiled them all down and put them in my online advertisement for my new “Swimmin’ Kitties” McGivern Brand of cat infanticide buckets. I also know exactly how to get men interested in dating and marriage. You know those out-dated relationship advice books “He’s Just Not That Into You” and “Women Are From Venus, Men Are From Mars”? I wrote two new books last week:

  • “You’re Just 15 Pounds Over Do-Able”
  • “Women Are From Venus, Men Like Their Taints Nibbled”

Mr. ManI know more about men and their intimate workings than Lindsay Lohan. How did I glean my expertise you ask? Science. There is no mystery that science can’t unravel. Although, even I must admit that there are some horrible consequences of science gone awry. Take genetic engineering for example: ‘Hybrid’ is just a fancy word for “mix something awesome with something stupid’.

That’s how we ended up with electric cars and the WNBA. Science has also brought things back to life that should have been left dead like Frankenstein and John Travolta’s career. The Olympic Games are where men shine the brightest.

Just look at Jackie Joyner Kersee for Chrissakes! Another man who is taking Manhood seriously is George W. Bush. When you want a job done quickly, or at least not slowed down by thought-he’s your man.

He is definitely a ‘One Wipe & Forget To Flush’ kind of guy. Who else could have brought us the Olympic spirit to governance like him? “EXTREME Rendition”. “ADVANCED Interrogation Techniques.” What have other Presidents done for us? William Howard Taft- “Gettin’ Stuck In A Bathtub.” William Henry Harrison- “Dying.”

I know men like the palm of my hand. So, the next time you’re in a Bally’s Fitness Men’s Locker Room and you want to know what that Weird Guy Who’s Always In The Sauna
is doing in the toilet stall… ask me.
Ryan McGivern