ridingYou know the scene in Goonies where Sloth rips open his shirt revealing a Superman shirt underneath? That’s how I feel right now because I have viable sperm.

I went to Encino Reproductive Services Inc. today for another donation and a report on my sperm count.

As I gave today’s collection to the very kind and discreet nurse/sperm wrangler, she held it up to the lights and gave the same look someone might if they were to sample a surprisingly good clam chowder at Red Lobster.

“Great!” She said. “Ryan, we have the results from the first donation. And it came back very good.”

This was the best feedback I ‘ve got since my mother told me I did a good job “making a ka-ka all by my myself like a big boy”.

sperm ben“Your volume was well over normal and usually with high volume, the actual sperm counts will come back lower. But yours stayed quite high so it was a great sample and we froze it.”

I was later told that freezing the sperm is like putting Snickers bars in the freezer. I was beaming. I did a couple of victory laps around the lobby, nearly knocking over the coffee table.

“I did it! In your FACE! In yo face!” I punched a hole in the dry wall.

fireworks“I feel such power. Yesssss. Yes. I am God here! In the place of a Dark Lord you would have a Queen! Not dark but beautiful and terrible as the Morn! Treacherous as the Seas! Stronger than the foundations of the Earth! All shall love me and despair!” My head revolved 180 degrees and then I puked green pea soup in the nurse’s
face.

Well ladies, if you’ve doubted my ability to give you an abundant Irish brood, think again. Ryan McGivern’s got the sweet, sweet magic in spades, baby.

It’s too bad women are only fertile once a month.

Ryan McGivern

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