roller coaster

Money can’t buy you love, they say. But it sure bought my penis enlargement surgery, which in turn got me married to 1920s Bulgarian pop star Anka Hubchev, who unfortunately passed away a week later when she managed to wrap her lips around my Chevy Conversion Van’s exhaust pipe and got stuck. Her screams were muffled as I backed my van over her. Her spine instantly snapped like the kosher pickle she had ‘inside’ her.

There was media uproar until I purchased it with my new inheritance. Owning all media is awesome. I immediately axed Fox Searchlight Pictures and hired the Jar Jar Binks guy to redub all the voices on every movie ever made.

People say I married Anka for her money. Wrong. I married her because she was 94 years old and needed a caretaker. If I hadn’t really loved her, how do you explain the times I called the maid to come and mist her down with ammonia after she’d made a ‘boom-boom’?

Now that I have more money than you’d know what to do with, I’m planning to open Disney World Baghdad.  The attractions included at DWB will be:

  • Space Mountain Is Satanic (rollercoaster)
  • Thank You America For Bringing Us The Freedom We Once
    So Dearly Hated (gift shop)
  • It’s A Shiite-y World Afterall (gentle ride and mosque)
  • The Quagmire (haunted house)

It will be bigger than Euro Disney, I know it.

Although I will have fun in the Muhammad’s Harem Beer Garden, it would have been better with Anka there.