usa todayI work the early morning shift at the So Many Holes Donut Shop in Billings, Montana. I clock in at 4 A.M., brew a fresh pot of non-fair trade coffee (we ain’t got decaf), I wipe tables down, click on the neon “Open” sign”, fire up a stogie and wait for Mr. Milnes.

Better than clockwork, old Mr. Milnes arrives on crutches at precisely 4:45 A.M. He sits at a booth with yesterday’s USA Today newspaper — today’s hasn’t arrived yet. And, just like usual he begins announcing new stories and sports scores. Mr. Milnes, you see, is not quite on time — he’s always a day late.

This becomes philosophically difficult to relate to Mr. Milnes. I have considered flying around the world Eastwardly very speedily to meet him Yesterday, but I have been told by physicist friends that because I have mass, I’ll never reach light speed to do so.
It took me 14 years of horrible conversation with Mr. Milnes to figure out he was responding to yesterday’s questions and he thought me mad because I was talking in constant possibilities of non-existant hypothetical universes. It is hard when your best friend in the world thinks of you as Schrodinger’s ‘cat in a box’ paradox.

It will be really scary for Mr. Milnes to find out tomorrow that he got shot in an armed robbery today.