[1990 years ago]

Dear Everyone,

My name is Yoni.  As I write this, I am 17. I’ll probably never give this letter to anyone, because who would believe the Son of God is a dipshit. I know all the prophecies say otherwise, and maybe he’ll someday not be such a dick, but I’ve known Jesus since our days at Nazareth Grammar School so let me tell about your “chosen one”.

  • Pride–He is always saying, “Let me pet your ‘donkey’ or I’ll get my Father to smite thee.”
  • Greed–The girls are all about him, because he is a hunk, has superb genetic lineage, and there were rumors about the size of his dong (uncut, surprisingly). Jesus has a harem of our female classmates at his beckon, and he absolutely will not share, which has left the cubbard bare for the rest us and gives me balls so blue that B.B. King would feel sorry for me. Does Jesus care? He’s too busy magically making cabernet to notice.
  • Lust–Jesus has an Oedipal complex. It makes sense because Mrs. Christ is sexy in her 2 dimensional Byzantine getup, halo, and she has that girl next door/milf thing going. And lemme tell you: Even after having a kid, that cherry ain’t popped.
  • Sloth- He once gang banged a drunk three toed sloth down by the quarry.
  • Wrath- Last summer, he sent thousands of Greeks, Buddhists, and a quarter million Confucionsits to hell because they didn’t believe in him.
  • Envy- He keeps saying to me: “I like your goat hair shirt. It’s really cool. I wish I had one. Wow. That’s cool. I bet it would look good on me.”
  • Gluttony- He once ate 2 figs in one sitting. Two! Fatass.

It’s hard to find a girl who’ll be impressed with your animal skin Valentine’s Day cards when Jesus has already healed them of their leprosy.

Oh well, me and Judas are planning to T.P. and egg his manger tonight and that’ll show him that not everyone worships the very ground he walks on!