Grilled CheeseToday was the best day of my life. Not only did I have sex with my brother for the first time (he is BIG! — don’t worry, we used birth control), but I also made the perfect grilled cheese sandwich!

  1. Firstly, use one sheet of superfine sandpaper to scrub your non-stick frying pan until there is plenty of loose Teflon. This, my friends, is secret ingredient #1.
  2. Melt an entire stick of butter in the frying pan. Pour in one liter of corn oil. We are gonna deep fry that cheesy bitch.
  3. Secret ingredient #2, gasoline. Just a dash, for color.
  4. Let frying pan soak in the sunlight for five hours, while you surf internet porn in the other room. This will work up your appetite and get your pan ‘sun-kissed’.
  5. Go to the store and buy a loaf of gluten-free bread. If they don’t have any, make a huge scene breaking things and screaming: “This would never happen in Seattle!”
  6. Throw that solar preheated pan in your pottery kiln, set the temp to: “Vase”
  7. When you see the pan begin to melt, add loaf of bread. Let bake for 2 seconds. Remove pan and repeat step 4. This time, save watery ejaculate in a measuring beaker. This is obviously secret ingredient number #3.
  8. In microwave, nuke String Cheese Incident vinyl records on top of loaf. Top with toe jam.