My mom used to try to discourage me from watching T.V. by telling me:
“T.V. is just masturbation for the mind!” and I always thought,
“Is that supposed to discourage me from wanting to do it all the time? 
No wonder I think it’s so awesome to watch Magnum P.I. and The Price is Right!”

“T.V. is just masturbation for the mind” is like telling kids:
“Kicking babies in the head is candy for your soul!”

If you want to stop kids from doing something, you’ve got two options.
1) Hit them real hard everytime you see them do it or even suspect they’ve done it.
(Well, it won’t stop them from doing it, but they’ll do it more sneakily and think of how much they hate you while they’re doing it and that’s a start.)
2) Don’t tell them anything about it and pretend it doesn’t exist.
(This has proven to work 5% of the time in ‘abstinence-only’ education. You can’t argue with stats like that. Its science.)

Pornography, strangely enough, has never been called “masturbation for your mind.”  Maybe the ‘anti-T.V.’ people haven’t seen pornography yet. 
If they think “Judge Judy” is like mind self pleasure,
wait’ll they get a load of High Society‘s “Pettin’ on The Ritz” photo spread!

I’m afraid that my mom was ultimately unsuccessful in every way regarding the way she wished to raise me.  I’m a T.V. addicted, atheistic, masturbating Democrat with no hard feelings towards the English and the traitorous Orange Irish.  But, she tried her best and she did it out of love.  And that kind of love is priceless. 
And the ensuing necessary therapy has been costly.

Ryan McGivern

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