There is a genre of movie that I have taken to calling “The Phallic Movie”.  (I won’t bother explaining this term. You know what I mean.)

Beowulf is a Phallic Movie of the worst kind: Smegma coated, cankerous, raw, and hanging off of Rick Santorum.

Robert Zemekis has been behind some of the treasured movies of my youth: Romancing the Stone, Roger Rabbit, more recently Cast Away (yes, I like this movie. I won’t apologize for that) but I’m feeling towards Zemekis like Marty McFly felt in that car race scene with Flea: conflicted.

Zemekis opened the door for ‘motion capture’ animation in the mainstream US market with Polar Express and gave crappy movies a whole new innovative look.  I will not speak anymore about the technology of Beowulf other than I saw it in Real D, a 3-D film image that makes you wear uncool glasses, and that between the CGI ‘mo-cap’ and the 3-D, they come together like that three way you had with your friend Steve and his neighbor’s fiance-a confused orgy of drudgery and revulsion.

Take this Beowulf Quiz to find out if you should see this movie: Do you like movies that spend the majority of the time in one location?  Do you like it if said location is a dark ‘mead hall’?  Do you like ear shattering screaming provided by Crispin Glover that is annoying and  unnecessary the first 40 times he does it and then comic the last 40 times?

Believe me. I wanted to like this movie. I like nothing more than movies where somebody gets smote (preferably foreign hordes or giant beasts) and the smoting occurs via axe.
But, as a Phallic Movie, Beowulf misses the sweet spot and in fact probes south, towards that “no, that’s not it” spot.

I know its tempting to see this movie. You want to smoke a heaping mound of Humbolt County Greenery and go see a badass movie where stuff will fly at you in 3-D. Well, you know what else is tempting? Calling that chick who gave you her number at the Liquid Kitty last week. Both are a bad idea.

Ryan McGivern

Liquid Kitty:
Rick Santorum: