airport(presented in non-chronological order):

3. The lady with the window seat drank four vodka tonics and passed out. I’m the nearly sober one who spilled my fucking tomato juice all over my her Hustler magazine. Who the fuck buys porn in an airport, btw?

4.There should be a “New Passenger Orientation” so experienced travelers don’t have to learn about how to buckle their seatbelt for the trillionth time.

9. Middle seat = claustrophobia. Window seat = carnival ride in the clouds.

2. George W. Bush probably reads USA Today.

6. Airplane seats go back all of three inches. Why is this comfortable (it is)? And why is it such a danger for seats to be slightly tilted during takeoff and landing?

7. Flight Attendant is such the party lifestyle (a different city every night which means few consequences for debaucherous behavior) and pilots are notoriously unfaithful to their wives.

1. Airports are a lot like purgatory, and most people are sleepwalking. I witnessed a guy waddle into a bathroom, squinty red beady eyes, probably seconds from REM sleep. After about thirty seconds and a few blood curdling screams later he lunged out of the womens’ restroom, very awakened.

10. During 9/11, passengers allegedly used their cell phones during flight. Conspiracy theorists doubt this point. I tested this several times during my plane rides. I never received even one bar.

8. The Detroit airport is badass with their half a mile tunnel stretch of surrealist mood lighting and experimental music. It is amazing how many people still don’t pay attention: