duelWell, I’ll just tell you right flat out. If there’s to be trigger play, its best to be long far off or hiding behind a well fed cattle herd.

I ain’t no hero. Never claimed to be. Shucks, anything Ol’ Man Eggars told you about the shootout at the mine probably’s only a nickel’s worth of truth. Sure, I put some men down in my day, but I ain’t proud of it. Only thing those ol’ Peace Makers ever got me was nightmares to be chased away with the whiskey.

But, let’s just suppose that you are in a tight spot. Maybe some big city slicker is looking to buy up your farm, or some half wit got fresh with your sister down by the mill. Well, that there’s shooting time and you’d better be ready for it, because luck don’t favor the foolish.

Here’s the first thing you’ll have to do: grow out a moustache. Nice and long. Get it all walrus like and coat it in pitch and molasses.

Next, start telling people that you ain’t got no name. If they ask you who you is, just look ’em square in the eye and tell ’em: “Listen to the wind in a graveyard at midnight. That’ll tell you my name.”

Its important to be ready to die. I suggest a good last will and testament and End Of Life instructions for your family and health care providers.

Now to the shootin’: I’ll be honest to you. Ain’t no amount of practice ever gonna get you to be able to hit nuthin’. With all your nerves going, and your big ol’ moustache flappin’ in the breeze, you’ll be lucky if you just a’ keep from dropping road apples in your pantaloons. The important thing is to just look like you know what yer doin’. Its like middle management. All you need to know is some PowerPoint, Office Xcel, and Outlook and the rest is all in attitude.

In movies they’ll usually show fellas stand in the street and wait for the other fella to move. Why wait? Time is money! And don’t stare anybody in the eyes! You’ll recognize your shared humanity with ’em and then you’ve had it!

Rules Of Gunfighting Duels:

  1. First person dead loses.
  2. Second person dead also loses but more tragically.
  3. Any surviving participant will either be viewed as a murderer, lucky bastard who’s got it coming, or unholy archetype of merciless justice.
  4. Shooting from the hip is encouraged, but not necessary.
  5. If both participants discharge all the available ammunition in town without successfully killing the other, the local sheriff should ride into the next town to buy some more.

Good luck, have fun, and may Satan welcome you kindly.

Ryan McGivern