Valentine’s Day is already around the corner! Gulp! I still haven’t even taken down my Halloween decorations. Boy, how time does fly.

heartIt seems like only yesterday that I burned out my credit cards on Christmas presents and my husband went to prison.  David has been locked up for thirteen Valentine’s Days now and in that time I’ve learned some real helpful ways to make the most of the two hour Valentine Day conjugal visit the State of California gives us.

Its important that you ladies out there know that there’s much more to a conjugal visit than just the requisite sex act. Plan on having that ‘sex’ stuff out of the way in the first  three minutes. The rest of the time you’ll be focusing on lying about the status of the money that’s supposedly still buried in the backyard, who you’ve been seeing on the side, and how many children you’ve had in the previous year by his friend RazorDog.

I’ve found that all this lying and skirting around issues can be tiring, so drink a lot of coffee before going in.  Remember ladies, you’re not just seeing your husband in jail on Valentine’s Day. You’re seeing all the cute guards too. This will be a good time to pick up  some numbers if you’re on your game so dress up! I know personally that if you play your cards right with the guards at San Quentin’s ‘high risk offenders’ area, you’re in for a real treat.

Don’t forget to compliment your husband’s new scarifications and tattoos. These not only designate his status in cell block 28’s gang, but they represent the slow chiseling away of his soul by the System.

Have a great time this February 14th, and may your smuggling go well!