February 2008

William F. Buckley had the most fake sounding speaking voice ever. And we’ll miss that voice.

He made sentences like the grand Mississippi, muddied through his ‘where is he from?’ accent and dripping wet with intellectual hubris.

He always looked as though he smelled of cognac and the well cared-for vaginas of blue blooded high society lovers.

He was a cross between Obi Wan Kenobi, the rich British guy Robin Colcord from Cheers, and Higgins from Magnum P.I.

Bill, we’ll miss you.



So among my many many skills is poetry writing! You will soon discover just how much this is true. My friend Ronald and I wrote these at poetry readings in Miami. We got up and read them too.

Ode to Experience (by R)
I walk this earth
And see people then
my heart gets sad
then I write
If it wasn’t for writing
I probably wouldn’t be here.
The End.

Watermelon Series
(by R)
Ode to the Watermelon
that swims on the sea
Ode to the Watermelon
moving from sea to sea
Ode to the Watermelon
up and down on the sea
Ode to the Watermelon
I love you Watermelon

(by L)
A Watermelon is like a hummingbird that can’t fly and is forever looking for a feeder. Won’t you be my feeder?

SAD (by R)
I met him at the club
he said hi
We danced all night
With him I could fly
We went home that night
We made love
And took flight
He shot in my eye
I ran home and cried.
The End

Untitled (by L)
One more time you smile and I cry
One more time you laugh and I die
One more time you suck the life from my veins
One more time you treat me like sugar cane
Because you’re a VAMPIRE!

***Untitled***MY FAVE! (by R)
“I need a drink” I said then I drank
I put my ringpop in my sour apple martini
and it was good
Because the flavor of the ringpop
was also sour apple
Oh what a night that was
I did what I wanted
and it was good
The End

Untitled (by L)
I love the way
he looks when we make love
Kinda angry with a smirk
I love the way
he pretends to be a green pepper
rolling wildly in the dirt
I love the way
he broke my heart
he’s always such a flirt
I love the way
But I love him.

Hey! Crazy running into you. Wow. You look great. Uh, by the way, I was wondering if I could get that dildo back from you. Yeah, the Prussian blue one. No, its not a big deal, its just that if you could get that back to me, that’d be great. No rush.

Yeah. It was Prussian blue. You know: the dildo I put inside you. Last week? I think it was Tuesday of last week. Yeah. I mean don’t bother yourself to, you know, like, look for it right now or anything. Its just if I could get it back that’d be real cool.

Do I know where it could be? No really I don’t. Uh, the last time I saw it, it was located inside you, but that was like Tuesday of last week, so…. Well, if you do find it, if you could maybe give me a call and I could come pick it up. That doesn’t work for you? You’d rather just mail it to me? Uh, that’s cool. Sure.

Gosh, this is really embarrassing to say this, but… just to let you know: I didn’t intentionally forget it so that I’d have another reason to see you again. No! Nothing of the sort. I know that trick, sure-the ol’ “I forgot my jacket at your place can I come get it sometime?” thing. Sure! It works great as a booty call justification. But that is NOT the case presently. No! I just need that dildo back. Sometime. Not a biggie. Anyway, uh, good to see you. I’ll uh, yeah. Uh, see you around! Okay. Bye.

Ryan McGivern

Straight Flush
this weekend when your roommate leaves,
i’ll bring cards and wine for strip poker
when we sit at your breakfast nook I’ll even bring towels
to set down because I’m thoughtful
but I’m not (god forbid!) all ‘in my head’-
i’m an animal at the poker table
not a tiger, possum, monkey, rat, but human and barely tamed at that!
when you’ll tell me that you’ve got a straight flush
i won’t evaluate its statistical probability by clicking
my toenails on the linoleum and
call your bluff because i don’t care-
it sounds good and thrills me
to think it could be
besides, you’ll be cold in that drafty ol’ nook

Fast Falls
‘Abide with me; Fast falls the eventide’
when you took me to the park

to hear me
i was glad that it was you
to hear me
because i really didn’t want my life

Ryan Mcgivern

If you want to see some bad coffee orderers, go to the mid-west.  They’re not accustomed to it yet.  They always had Lutheran church ‘coffee hour’ after services and the most thought they had to put into getting a cup was how to avoid the choir director’s
creepy husband.

They haven’t learnt the Art of Ordering Coffee.

Go to Seattle. My God, Seattle is to coffee what Salt Lake City is not to coffee.

San Francisco, same thing. People have their exact change ready. They’ve got the tip out and they’re saying the fake ‘Good morning’ so well they don’t even need to move their lips.

Tip #1: When ordering a coffee, don’t ask which brew your barista likes better. Don’t make them think! They’re not paid enough. Plus, they’re really really stoned right now.

Tip #2: When using two sugar packs, tear and pour both of them at the same time. Don’t create a Ford assembly line process to tear the equivalent of four sheets of paper. Jerk.

Tip #3: Leaving room for cream gives you less bang for your buck. Pour unwanted coffee out as a tribute to your fallen homies.

Ryan McGivern


Dear Buril,buril.jpg

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? Hot, sticky, lots of flies, mosquitoes, sweaty. And how do I love thee? Let me count the ways. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7. Seven ways. I won’t enumerate on that for the moment.

Your eyes remind me of two soggy Cheerios floating in a sea of creamy breast milk. Your ears are like two beautiful butterflies copulating on a midnight rose.

You are welcome to any and all of my pistachio shells, but donations are welcome and accepted. I (hope) we will remain together in love forever and a day.

I remain yours,

Earl Cheesesteak

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