Some political websites purport to have all the news on the Presidential candidates. Ha! What a joke! Has ever told us what Mitt Romney’s pillow talk is like? Or what Mike Gravel secretly wishes for in the darkest watches of the night?

I’ve learned to not be impressed with the internet. Where other politcal bloggers are simply happy to ‘rate’ the candidates, I have gone through the trouble of dating the candidates.

1. My first date was with Mike Huckabee. Since he’s not really a contender, we simply made a lunch date where I figured we’d have a drink and maybe a walk around the LaBrea Tar Pits. Well, was I in for a treat! I was picked up at 4am by that Walker Texas Ranger guy in a 1994 Toyota Corolla and brought to a barn. There I was made to hay the stalls and wash the horses. Mike showed up around 6:00am and gave an exhortation to “remain steadfast in the Lord”. I said, “I’m thirsty, Mike!” and he said, “So was Jesus and you know what the Jews did? They gave Him gall to drink!” and I says back, “I think it was a Roman who gave him gall to drink, Mike.” and he stomps off screaming something about me being lazy. In closing, I give this date:
Two Relevant Thoughts out of Ten.

2. I next went out with Hillary Clinton. I had bought her flowers and chocolates and everything! I drove to pick her up and she let me in and threw the chocolates at Bill who was air boxing a cardboard cut out of Chris Matthews. I had said that we could see any movie of her choosing and she decided on “27 Dresses”. She cried the whole time. Seriously. It was embarrassing. Then we went out for some sushi and she had one too many sakis. “Ryan, sometimes I question my ability to lead.” “Why’s that Hil?” “I….I know how this will sound, Ryan. But…Its because I’m a woman. I’m afraid I’ll collapse under the pressure.” I looked her square in the eye and said, “That’s absolutely sexist and I’m ashamed of you. Haven’t you ever seen Tootsie? Or Private Benjamin?” She stood to her feet and with her arms raised triumphantly screamed, “I can do it! I can be President!” and then I said, “Well, actually, you can’t. You’ve pretty much lost the primaries. I’m sorry. Are you gonna finish your California Roll?” All said, I give Clinton: Five Retracted Statements Out Of Ten.

3. For my date with John McCain, I really thought I’d hit the jackpot. We were making out all night long! We made out at a bowling alley, a supermarket, my pot dealer’s house, all kinds of places! I like his “policies”! He put my hands to work, he was tough but fair, and he gave me tax credits for my medical care. McCain’s date earned him:
A Mitt Romney/Ryan McGivern endorsement!

4. My date with Barack Obama…What can I say? It was SOOOOO dreamy. He sent me a link to his inspirational video and asked me to go on “the most awesomest date ever in the history of dating.” I asked him what we would do on the date. “Anything and everything you want.” I was like: “OMG!” So we planned on going out this last Saturday and even though he stood me up, I was so inspired I sent him 500 bucks. Then, he re-scheduled for Sunday and stood me up again and I was like: “Hey, Barack. I waited for like 3 hours at the restaurant.” and he was like: “I’m not your ordinary date. I’m changing the way things are done.” and I sent him another 500 bucks. I still haven’t dated him, but I give Obama:
10 Inspiring Vague Promises Out Of 10.

Ryan McGivern