Getting the scoop on Fidel Castro’s retirment as King of Cuba,’s top reporter Ryan McGivern got an exclusive interview with the hunky green jump suit clad sweetheart.

Ryan: Fidel. Thanks for sitting down with me. You’ve decided to step down as leading man of the romantic comedy known as Cuba. Why?
Fidel Castro: They forgot the roll and they only kept the rock. The roll’s the whole damn thing dude, the rock is nothing, deal with it, the roll is king. Unfortunately most cats don’t get behind the roll.

America has many misconceptions about Cuba. For instance, I’ve always thought it was pronounced “Q-Bah” apparently its more like “Coo-Bah”. What else should Americans know about your cute little country?
The one thing I’ll never do is the dope. I won’t do that again. Everything else is up for grabs. Why wouldn’t I do the dope again? Because I’ve been there and done that, and it’s fucking painful, man. The other schmucks are doing it all the time and I pity them.

In Godfather II, there’s a couple of scenes that take place in Cuba and it looks a lot like Florida, only with more revolutions. What’s your favorite vacation spot?
I mean I don’t think I’m cool, it’s other people that tell me I’m cool, I’m just being who I am. Just be yourself is all I can say, the rest of it’s a fucking joke. ‘Elegantly wasted’ blah-blah-blah, I’ve had all of that. If you’ve gotta be cool be cool with yourself. If you’ve gotta think about being cool, you ain’t cool.

Forgive me, but I have to ask this question. Communism. Is it really all that cool?
I wouldn’t want to do that again. It’s having your fucking skull cut open. It’s what I had to go through. Yes, I’ve been trepanned. That’s quite an interesting experience, especially for my brain surgeon,
who saw my thoughts flying around in my brain. I’ve got pictures of it mate, yeah. They cut my head, brain, skull open, went in and pulled out the crap, and put some of it back in again. But that’s the way it is, I mean, shit, Fidel Castro has got to do everything once.

Let’s talk about the Bay of Pigs. Tell us how it felt. I mean, in your heart of hearts how did it make you feel?
The other best bit is the morning after, when you wake up and realise you’ve had a great time. I mean drugs have got really nothing to do with life. Drugs are there if you want them, and it’s not a big fucking deal.

Bananas. High in potassium?
Everyone’s a load of crap. They’re all trying to be somebody else and they ain’t being themselves. The Libertines, Arctic Monkeys, Bloc Party? Load of crap, load a crap. Posers, rubbish. There ain’t nothing out there that’s worth shit. I listen to the real shit, I don’t listen to bullshit. I listen to my shit, baby, Motörhead, reggae, Moroccan music. All kinds of shit.

How’s the weather been down there?
I was totally comatose, but I was totally awake,
I could listen to everyone, and they were like, ‘He’s dead, he’s dead!’ waving their fingers and pushing me about, and I was thinking, ‘I’m not dead!’. So that’s sort of the worst one. But I got out of that, I mean otherwise I wouldn’t be talking to you. But yeah, bad shit is bad shit. The strangest thing I’ve tried to snort? My father. I snorted my father. He was cremated and I couldn’t resist grinding him up with a little bit of blow. My dad wouldn’t have cared, he didn’t give a shit.
It went down pretty well, and I’m still alive.

Hillary Clinton has gone on record that if she cannot win the democratic primaries that she would love a crack at becoming the Queen of Cuba. “The climate would be great for my skin, and I’ve got a great health care plan. It’s a match made in heaven…or should I say a match made in a Marxist utopia where the workers rule? We don’t need more speeches. We need solutions. Vote Hillary. In either America, or if not, in Cuba.”

Ryan McGivern