April 2008

Listen up dickheads: I only ‘puppet master’ those who have strings hangin’ out their ass.
I’m sick n’ tired of hearing “Hillary is ruining the Democratic party” pissin’ and moanin’.
Seems that there’s plenty Democrats that are still are lovin’ my sh*t kickin’ ‘tude, if you ask me.

My celly was blowin’ up with all kindsa hate this past week when I said that we could obliterate Iran.
Let’s take this one step at a time:
Can we NOT obliterate Iran? Did we somehow listen to Dennis “Peacenik” Kucinich in the last two weeks
without my knowing it and get rid of all our pretty little nukes? No? Oh, I thought so.
So it seems that I was factually right in that statement.
Would I rather have a campaign run on solid threats we can keep, or a campaign of nebulus promises of hope that may or may not be fulfillable? Lemme think about that for a second.

Some folks got in my grillpiece sayin’ “Isn’t that harsh?…Cold War rhetoric?….Playin’ to fears…Nihilistic?..”
Blah. Blah. Blah.
Look dickheads. I’m a Razorback ok? I know how to fight and win. You think I’m gonna talk about annhilating an entire culture in an instant composed of innocent civilians based on an unfounded hypothetical conjecture if I didn’t absolutely know that it would HELP my campaign?
The Kinks (as much as I hate the British) once said, “Give the people what they want.”

As long as y’all want to imagine the U.S. sitting on top of a fetid heap of death and vaporized human remains, I’m gonna keep hittin’ that sweet spot, honey.

People have suggested that “Ol’ What’s His Name” the “Also Ran” (who may or may not be Muslim. One never can be sure.) drop out instead of me. I agree. I think that’s a pretty good idea.
But neither of us will and that just kills you don’t it, liberal America? It just gnaws at your bleeding
hearts, I know it. Why? Because it exposed the Democrats as being just as shrewd, petty, power hungry, and idiotic as the Republicans? Or is it that we’re also playing into the trap of being backbiting, highly schismatic, unorganized, dogs chasing our own tails?
Well, whoop de dooo. You figured it out.
Guess what else: fuck you!
You still only have a choice between ‘Blue’ and ‘Red’, suckas.
And whether I win or lose Barack Hussein Obama or Kindly Old Bigot, I win.

So, vote for me, Hillary. Together we can obliterate.



Our crack Mindflowers interviewer JJ tracked down Jared Leto and Lindsay Lohan for
some Q and A about their new film “Chapter 27”.

JJ: Thanks for taking the time to speak with me,…
Jared Leto: Your wel..
JJ: Lindsay. I know you’re really busy.
Lindsay: Not really.
JJ: My first question goes to…let’s see: Lindsay.
Lindsay: Yay!
JJ: Lindsay, what was most difficult for you in playing your role?
Lindsay: I’d say it was the fact that I was playing a role. It meant that I had to be somewhere at a certain time, I couldn’t smoke when I wanted to…blah, blah, blah! Jeezus!
JJ: Jared. Hi there. Was it scary to get into a Hollywood movie?
Jared Leto: Well, I’d been in some films before so I kinda knew what to expect, and….
JJ: You’ve been in a movie before?
Jared Leto: Yeah.
JJ: Hmm. Ok. Go on.
Jared Leto: But the hardest thing for me in this film was probably gaining the weight.
JJ: Lindsay, did you gain any weight during the film?
Lindsay: Oh. My. Gawd. Like 2 pounds because I couldn’t smoke on set and there was like such junk food in my trailer. But, I drank myself back down to a hundred and two pounds, so its all good. Whiskey diet. Try it.
Jared Leto: I gained 50 pounds for this film. And lost like 25 pounds for “Requiem for a Dream”.
JJ: Lindsay, it was truly amazing that you were in this film.
Lindsay: I know. I know. I just TXTed summa my homegirls this morning and was like “Can U B-leev this sh*t?”
JJ: Amazing.
Jared Leto: I almost got diabetes in this film. Or gout. I almost got gout. My heart is still severely weakened. I got gray hairs.
JJ: Lindsay, you look great. I’ve just got to say it. You don’t look a day over 35.
Lindsay: I’m 21.
JJ: ….Lindsay, I loved “Speak” and “A Little More Personal”. When is your new album coming out?
Lindsay: Well, its tentatively titled “Bucka$$ Wilde” and its a high concept rock opera about Oscar Wilde and it will be out as a triple album release in June.
JJ: Jared Leto, do you like Lindsay’s music too?
Jared Leto: Well…I have a rock band. We’re pretty awesome…
JJ: Hmm. Ok. Well, thanks for chatting.
Jared Leto: I almost died for this movie.
JJ: Well, its gonna die in the box office, so maybe its appropriate….Get the hell outta here.
Lindsay: Yeah, Jared Leto, why don’t you just leave? (he leaves, sullen)
JJ: I thought you were in great in “Crossroads”.

Ryan McGivern

let me jump into you (the best I can)
i want to see this morning bound over
anteloped in freedom and small footed sure steps
what clean andes joy to be in you and not the world
living purely in your language my claxon dumbed ears
to rest in downey anglelessness
hidden hunkered like North Dakota Whitetail
in your lilt shade
set me grounded again only to kiss you at
the screen door

Ryan McGivern

backstage pacing the energy of ‘at once’
the same convergent horror of unwanted nocturnal emissions
aloneness and cut off from the stage manager’s clip board and the drunk extras
history drops off
that the Haitian Revolution has happened
is weaned by its not being here because the only now is now where forgetfulness reigns
it is the chaos of ten tiny circular spice bottles some of which bear dangerous street
drugs unannounced to you but each holds its own condolences
your kingdom is not in order your own sloughed off detritus of chinese take out
and curled up scripts taunt you on a hair-of-the-dog edge
its deafening-the warfare of your own choosing-it will carry
ruin or genius which either way ends up in after-show bar close
such silliness in that minute before hearing “…yes and it’s trouble that will find us” 

Ryan McGivern

The devil spends his days ripping the final page out of mystery novels.

For nine-months, Yale undergrad Aliza Shvarts periodically impregnated herself via artificial insemination while concurrently taking abortifacient drugs, videotaping the induced miscarriages in the name of fine art.

If this story leaves a bloody taste in your mouth, I think that’s part of the point.

Yale Daily News account

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