Al Gore tells us Global Warming is a horrible thing. I say bring on the heat, bitch! (Al Gore is my bitch, btw). Winter sucks like a vacuum cleaner snagging that brilliant 14 caret diamond ring your true love bought you instead of feeding an African village. But this isn’t a political diatribe — this entry is about the future. This is an entry about surfing!

In twenty years, California will be under water leaving Utah as the new California, and Colorado as the new Utah. This will cost millions in re-designing state flags. With all the bodies washing ashore upon the sandy beaches of the cozy little beach communities like Brigham City, St. George, Nephi, and Lehi, residents will decide to coat them in Sex Wax and surf them on some totally tubular and toasty waves!

They will then get baptised for the salvation of their surf board/dead people.

2028 will be a great year for (the new) California’s tourism industry.
It will be a horrible year for Mormons.

“I liked it better when people just came to float in our salty stinky lake and look at our big church,” They’ll say. “Now they’re coming here to visit DisneySwamp and drinking coffee and wearing shorts and everything, dude!” They will then let off steam by catching some more toasty waves and sparking blunts while watching the sunset.

One of the Olson twins will be elected Governor of Utah and one of Tom Cruise’s international adoptees (the Vietnamese girl named Missy Starlight Cruise) will be Mayor of Salt Lake City.

Did we mention that Global Warming will also put Florida under water? The Church of Scientology will be forced to relocate their headquarters to Salt Lake City where they will find sensible interaction with the Mormon population utterly impossible, except for one violently beautiful thing: The Annual Scientology/Mormon Surfing Championship.

The Hubbard Tech employing OT IV named Sonny “Hang Ten” Thomas will be the Scientologist to beat and Trix “Far Out” Young will be the LSD dropping LDS superstar surfer to challenge “Hang Ten” in the Finals.

“I saw you do a Maui Wowy and wonk out on some sketchy bombora heavies yesterday, bra.” Hang Ten will say.
“Dude, I max out daily like morning papers. If you saw me go over the falls, that’s only because I shred like Jared shred up Omer.” Will say Far Out.
“Shha! You spittin’ like you got toes on the nose, bra, but unlike Samuel, you won’t be protected in the tube.”
“Don’t tweak out, newbie. I’m primo in the tubes.” Far Out will show him his undergarmet hem by zipping down his Body Glove suit a bit. “Just because you’re SeaOrg, you think you’re tops but you ain’t near off the Richter!”

The next day on the bone yard, the beach bunnies will gather and root for their fave wave greats. The Big Championship will have arrived…

Everyone was there, even President Chelsea Clinton! Everyone, that is, except for Hang Ten and and Far Out.

Hang Ten was at the morgue. Far Out had murdered him the night before when Hang Ten said he had sex with all seven of Far Out’s mothers. Far Out was arrested, taken to jail and escaped. At this very moment, he was lying in a hammock between to palm trees in Fairbanks, Alaska.

How did Far Out escape? It seems he had hidden a lock-picking set in his perineum fistula. Also tucked there was a copy of his well worn and dog eared Book of Mormon. Ravaged by the guilt of biting a man to death, he found strength to carry on in the words: “So if you have faith, you also have hope, for without faith there is no hope.” That is, until he lost his faith four days later after reading “Origin of the Species”, “Beyond Good and Evil”, “The Selfish Gene”, “Being and Nothingness”, and “Gravity’s Rainbow”.

Far Out reached into his pus filled perineum fistula, pulled out his whittling knife, and whittled himself a surfboard from a mighty oak which he rode down a hill into the freeway, killing himself and fourteen others in a giant pileup.

The Moral Of The Story: The global climate crisis is inevitable.

JJ and Ryan McGivern

Advertisements