Holy crap. I’ve done like thirty sit ups and boy are my stomach muscles really in pain!  I’ve read about hernias and I’m pretty sure I’ve developed several, but I’ve also read in “Men’s Fitness” that they can be repaired by skilled physicians.

I started off my workout with some Fiber One to really kick start my digestion and give my colon polyps a warning shot before I launched into some Thai Boxing steps I learned from that DVD I rented from the library. I think both worked out well because I ended up punching out my black lab and pouring two liters of feces on the kitchenette floor.

Damn but I dare anybody to tell me that physical exercise isn’t good for mental health because in the last four minutes of ab crunches, I’ve decided to call my ex-girlfriend and demand that she leave her husband and come back to me. Healthy body, healthy mind!! My confidence is back, Stephie! And while so is my impotence, at least it isn’t performance anxiety related!

You seen that Jean Claude VanDamme movie where he stretches between two chairs and it looks like his nuts should rip off and explode on the floor? Yeah, that just happened to me by accident.

I’m gonna get back to my high school weight. Or, at least the weight I was when my niece graduated high school.

I’m gonna be in such good shape by the end of this workout! It may sound silly, but I’m seriously considering becoming a superhero at the end of this set of twenty pushups. Hey: I’ve seen the superhero movies this summer and I think I’ve got what it takes. I’ve got the misogyny of Tony Stark, the stretchy pants of Bruce Banner, and the love of musicals akin to Wall-E.

After I do some squats while I mop up my filth off the linoeum, I’m gonna watch “So You Think You Can Dance?” and do some step areobics during the commercials. I’m gonna be all swoll up!  We’ll see how the ladies at Blockbuster like me with my new hot bod when I go there tonight, rent “Beaches”, and comment on how out of shape Bette Midler was compared to me.

Ryan McGivern