Hot damn do I love a challenge.
Life the last 75 years has been so boring.
I’ve seen a man walk on the moon. Wow. Big deal.
No one likes a braggart or vacation photos, so that news cycle sucked.
I saw the end of WWII which was good for Europe, but really sucked
for me as I had to come back home and look for a job.
But things have finally got interesting around here.
Here comes the Greater Depression!
Yeeeeehaw! Bring it on.
I’ve got my brand new dentures (bought on credit) and I’m ready to
bite into (figuratively) what is to be the world first global economic collapse (literally).
So to help all you young whipper snappers out there (some of whom actually
snap whips, I’ve been surprised to find out on YouPorn.com) get a handle on
how to not only survive….but survive with your children uneaten by roving bands
of hungry Midwesterners.

Let’s first clear one thing out of the way: drippings burnt onto the bottom of your rich cousin’s oven are delicious, savory, and often nutritious depending on the grade of salt pork he stole from the back of a van.

Now, we all know that education is expensive. Even when I was a youngin’ we were expected to bring acorns to the school house for roastin’ and an apple to give to the playground attendant/milking goat Boots. That got pricey! And goats are irritable!
So if you plan on sending your children to college-I’ve got a couple of surefire tips.
Move to India. Give your child to someone in one of them good castes.
Believe me, I’ve given some kids to castes that in retrospect were not good choices. But
my biological son Mrbuti says he’ll forgive me in a couple of lifetimes.

Now, let’s talk about penny pinching in the sex department.
I’ve been to one of these here, whatya call ’em, “stores” (we only had family owned corner markets around when I was young) and I come to find condoms cost like 5 bucks for a little box with only a couple of rubbers in there! Believe me, I’ve humped some pretty weird things out there-I was a Army Private for 13 years, I was a prisoner in the Federal Penal System for 9, and I lived in Houston for 3 months for Chrissakes. I’ve seen it all. And…..I don’t know where I was going with this but the point is condoms are expensive so do the “pull out method”. It keeps pregnancies down to a level that is pretty acceptable and I don’t believe in STD’s so there.

There is a bright side to any Depression.
When my second wife Elsa got depressed, she’d buy me Gin and Tonics all day long just to keep her company.
This Depression will be no different. There will be a lot more parties. Drinkin’, druggin’, sleepin’ around. It’ll be like a Lew Stevell and His Home-Cookin’ Bluegrass Band concert!!
(I was at their 1925 Cleveland show during their ‘Man Ain’t Meant To Fly’ tour. That was a GREAT show. Too bad their band train derailed the next day, killing all fourteen band members and critically injuring their milking goat.)
So anyway. The last Great Depression was a hoot and this present Greater Depression will
give us all a lot of fun memories. So drink up and make the best of it!!

Horm McGivern

Editor’s Note:
This blog was transcribed from the scribbles Horm made in his porridge by his
great great grandson Ryan. Tragically, later that morning, Horm died from Syphilis.

Advertisements