The owner of a three-year-old German Shepherd named “I Will Fucking Torture and Kill Every Dog Except German Shepherds” says he is not racist and is upset a Pennslyvania boutique doggie treats store “Doggie Pyle” refused his racist wife a birthday cake for their dog with its name written on it.


Taint Campbell is asking for understanding, an apology, and a clean pair of tightie whities following the boutique doggie treats store’s refusal to give his wife, German Shepherds Fucking Rock Campbell, the birthday cake.

“My pooping my pants has nothing to do with the incident. I just think [owner of Doggie Pyle] Don Pyle probably knows where to find clean underwear. I don’t. I found the pair I’m currently wearing in an alley.” Said Taint Campbell at a Wednesday news conference.

“They need to accept a name. A name’s a name. The dog isn’t going to grow up and actually fucking torture and kill every dog except German Shepherds. That’s ludicrous. If anybody’s going to do that, its my wife.” he said.

Mr Campbell said he had mixed-breeds of puppies present at his dog’s birthday party. “If we’re so racist, then why would I have let them come into my ramshakle home?” he said. Said his wife, German Shepherds Fucking Rock, “I drink bleach all the time. Its not bad for you, its cheaper than the goat semen I used to buy, and it tastes great. So….there you have it.”

The Campbells have two other dogs with unusual names: JoyceLynn Aryan Nation, and Honszlynn Hinler Jeannie. They also have a daughter named Caligula’s Unwiped Asshole, age nine.

Mr Campbell said his favorite dogs are black labs. “Some of my favorite movie star dogs were black labs. Like that one from ‘White Fang’ who is all badass in that scene in Anchorage? He was awesome. So don’t tell me I’m racist.”

He said he was raised not to torture and kill every dog but German Shepherds. However, he was told by his parents, two mule-kicked circus freaks, not to mix with them socially or romantically – values he would not try and pass onto his dog.

“Say he grows up and hangs out with Chihuahuas. That’s fine, I don’t really care. That’s his choice,” he said. “All I can do is electro-prod him, starve him, and chain him to the back of my four wheeler when I go muddin’. The rest is up to him.”

He is reported to have also said people should listen to America’s new president, Barack Obama, who had called for change.

“I think people need to take their heads out of the cloud they’ve been in and start focusing on the future and not on the past.” Mr Campbell told the Associated Press.

As of press time, his wife, German Shepherds Fucking Rock, is slated to murder twelve dogs in her basement. None of which are German Shepherds.


Reported by:
Ryan McGivern