Beijing China, January 8th 2009:

A panda at the Beijing zoo achieved climax on the chest of his third tourist in two years, and this time, his thighs had to be forced open to free the man, who had jumped into the panda’s cage/sex den to retrieve his son’s toy.

Gu Gu, a 240-pound (110-kilogram) panda, ‘bumped and grinded’ on the man’s legs, neck, torso, and mouth, refusing to let go until zookeepers pried his thighs open with jaws of life and a car jack, said zoo spokeswoman and panda sexual therapist, Xiu Gong. Gu Gu, the sexually verile and possibly sex addicted panda, first made news in 2007 when he seduced a drunken tourist who had jumped into his cage/sex den who stated, “I was just trying to get to know Gu Gu better. I didn’t think that when he invited me up to his loft for bamboo shoots that would mean that he’d put on sexy R n’ B music, practically force feed me three Cosmos and a spliff, then masturbate on my chest.” The 2007 victim, who asked to remain nameless stated. “Gu Gu is cool and all, but really sexually aggressive and really not cool in my book anymore. I’m not saying he took advantage of me, but let’s just say I’ve had more considerate and gentle animals masturbate on my chest.”

Also, this past October, Gu Gu performed oral sex on a teenager who climbed into his exercise area/sex den out of curiosity. “I, did not have sexual relations with that panda.” Said the teen. “Oral sex is not really sex. Any president will vouche for that. Even under oath.”

The Beijing News said the latest victim, Zhang Jiao of central Anhui province, known for its sexually uptight and prudish citizens suffered damage to major ligaments and is recovering from surgery. “I had been trying to stay chaste until marriage. And now, I won’t be able to wear white to my wedding. I’m not saying that I’m upset with Gu Gu. I don’t regret anything we did. Its just that-I would have liked to take it slower. Made it special. That’s all.”

The newspaper quoted tourists as saying Zhang appeared to first look around to see if pandas were nearby before jumping in to get his 15-year-old son’s toy, an oversized silicone replica of a panda penis. “Certainly the fact that I was caught in Gu Gu’s cage/sex den holding a nine inch panda dildo could have played into Gu Gu’s actions. I’m not denying that.” Said Zhang.

Pandas, a national symbol of Chinese sexual voracity, and erotic lust have in recent years tried to live down their image as Don Juans of the East. “Gu Gu’s continued promiscuity is sure to make it more difficult for other pandas to fight against the stereotype of them being ‘sexual predators’.” Zoo official and panda sex therapist Xiu Gong said. “Many pandas just want to settle down in nuclear families and enjoy monogamy with tourists. But they’ll have to live down the reputation that Gu Gu is giving them.”

The Panda Genital Control Ministry of Glorious People’s Republic of China has issued a statement that as a response to Gu Gu’s behavior they will begin curtailing his daily five hour porn watching habit.  

Said Zhang, his eyes wet with sentimental tears, “Gu Gu will always have a piece of my heart. And until I wash my chest, I’ll have a lot of his genetic material.”


Reported by Ryan McGivern