June 2009


1: Well, I would say its late Egyptian.
2: Most likely Ramses III. But I wouldn’t bet my camel on it.
1: I’ll bet the last of my water and food that its Ramses II period.
2: Let’s take a look in my iPhone’s ‘hieroglyph identification’ app. Hmm. Ramses III.
1: (Gulp) well, that’s interesting.
2: (taking the food and water from partner’s pack and putting it into their own)Ahhh, canned hummus. I love hummus.
1: I do too. (looking hungry)….Hey! Look! A mummy! I bet you its haunted.
2: Some mummies are haunted, yes. But its never a surefire thing. I wouldn’t bet my sunscreen on it.
1: I’ll bet you double or nothing for my food back.
2: You don’t have any food or water to put up to bet.
1: Triple or nothing.
2: You already have nothing. You could do a credit thing, take out a loan or…
1: or, bet my life!
2: or bet your life.
1: Its on.
2: I’m not sure exactly what ‘is on’.
1: I bet you my life that this mummy is haunted.
2: So if it is haunted you live and if it isn’t….
1: You can kill me.
2: You’re my best friend, research team coordinator, Doctoral advisor, kidney donee, half brother, and at times my lover. There is no other life I’d be more honored in ending.
1: Thank you. Besides, I would have slowly died of dehydration and starvation anyway, so really its helping me out.
2: That’s a good point.
1: Half of me hopes this mummy ISN’T haunted.
2: More than half, here.
1: (Picks up a jar) Hey, Mummy! I’m messing around with your stuff!
2: I think that you might need to desecrate it.
1: Like have sex with it.
2: Let’s start with making out and we can go from there.
1: (makes out with jar) Uh! This tastes horrible! (makes out some more) Oh! There’s a dead ol’ cat in here!
2: I thought that looked like a cat burial jar.
1: Uh….I’m getting its burial wrappings and cat hair caught in my teeth. Is that mummy moving yet?
2: A little, but not really in a scary way. Its just waving happily. (waves back) hello!
1: I have the worst luck ever.
2: Hey, luck is subjective.
1: How’s that?
2: I’m going to get my right kidney back.
1: True…I had grown attached to it though.
2: You just never learned your lesson! You remember last year when we went to Vegas and stayed in the Luxor hotel?
1: Of course! I lost my original right kidney in a bet there.
2: And that wasn’t enough to convince you that you have a gambling problem?
1: Gambling is only a problem when it interferes with your life.
2: Well, now its going to be ending your life.
1: Everybody’s got to go somehow. Better by the hand of your best friend and kidney donor in a pyramid than by say….old age or something.
2: (takes sword from sheath and approaches)
1: Hey! One last bet.
2: Okay.
1: I bet you my pith helmet that you’ll regret killing me.
2: Okay. (runs the sword through. 1 staggers gurgling and collapses. 2 waits then shrugs and takes 1’s pith helmet)
Mummy: Ohhhhh! I’m a haunted mummy!
2: The shedding of innocent blood has awoken you!
Mummy: No,
2: The making out with your cat has awoken you!
Mummy: No, I overheard that there’s an extra kidney to be had. I just love kidney pie. You ever had kidney pie?
2: No.
Mummy: I bet you’ll love it.
2: You’re on!

(End scene)

The following video was produced by laughing liberally:

Tim is sleeping in his dark apartment and the phone rings.

Tim: ….Hello?
Dave: Tim!
T: Yeah, yeah, I’m here. Hello?
D: TIM!
T: Dave? Is that you? What is it? Oh my god….
D: Hey man.
T: Yeah, Dave! Are you all right?
D: I’m golden dude. What are you up to?
T: I’m sleeping. Is everything alright?
D: Yeah. Yeah. What? Are you sleeping?
T: I uh…yeah. I uh.
D: Why are you sleeping?
T: Its like uh, four in the morning. We’ve got to be at work in the morning-are you okay?
D: Dude-you got to work in the morning?
T: Tomorrow’s Tuesday. The Hamshire deal….the big eight o’ clock meeting, Dave!
D: Oh! That’s right tomorrow’s Tuesday! I totally lost track of time.
T: How do you lose track of days Dave? Christ! Why are you calling me? Is this about the meeting tomorrow?
D: Tim, dude I’m sorry man. No, I just called to say hi. I totally forgot about the meeting. I’m on vacation.
T: You’re on vacation?
D: I’m on vay-cay, baby. That’s cool about the meeting though. Good luck in there.
T: Thanks. I guess. Why did you call me at four in the morning again?
D: Why do you keep saying its four in the morning?
T: Because it is!
D: Where are you right now?
T: My bed!
D: In L.A.?….Oh, dude….I’m sorry.
T: You’re on vacation?…Aren’t you supposed to present the proposal?
D: I emailed you the powerpoint.
T: No you didn’t.
D: No, I just did. You didn’t see it?
T: I’m not in the office-
D: You got your Blackberry with you?
T: I’m sleeping!
D: Well, when you check it, it’ll be there.
T: A powerpoint.
D: Well, not a powerpoint. A Word document. But you’ll be able to put it into a powerpoint.
T: For tomorrow’s meeting?
D: Yeah. I put in some links to Google images that are cool too. Like one of a bar graph and one of a poodle wearing sunglasses and stuff. Check it out.
T: I will. In the morning. Waitaminute: where are you?
D: New York. I thought I told you.
T: No.
D: Yeah! I’m in New York! Can you believe it?
T: No.
D: Yeah. That’s why I guess I thought you’d be up.
T: Because its what? Seven o’ clock there?
D: Is it? I dunno. I’ve been out drinking all night.
T: Goodnight, Dave.
D: Are you in a bad mood?
T: Well, Dave-
D: Because you really shouldn’t stress about tomorrow’s meeting. There probably won’t be any lay-off announcements tomorrow anyway.
T: There’s going to be lay-offs?
D: …Maybe I shouldn’t have said anything.
T: You know about lay-offs? Ms. Lindel said she wouldn’t lay anyone off this fiscal year.
D: Well, she would tell YOU that.
T: What does that mean?
D: I shouldn’t have said anything. Look, dude. I’m sorry I’m talking your ear off. I should let you go-you got like a pivotal career making or breaking meeting tomorrow and you’ve still got to get a powerpoint together for it, so I should let you go.
T: No, wait! You got to tell me what you know about lay-offs! Am I being fired?
D: Dude, Tim. Relax, alright? I’ve got to let you go. I’m meeting some ladies at the club. Talk to you later!

Dave hangs up and Tim clicks his phone down. He tries to rest, but turns uneasily. He finally sits up again turns on the light and calls Dave back on the phone.

Dave: Hello this is Dave.
Tim: Am I being fired tomorrow?
D: Who’s speaking?
T: Me! Tim.
D: Did you get my email about the presentation?
T: No!
D: Oh. I was just expecting you to call when you tried to open it because there will probably be some problems opening it. I used an old Mac letter template and I think it was a pirated copy because I found it on an offshore porn website.
T: Dave. What did Ms. Lindel tell you about my job? Am I being fired?
D: Mom didn’t say anything really. Its not that big a deal.
T:….Ms. Lindel is your mom?
D: Uh…
T: The boss is your  mom?….Dave?
D: Step-mom. Officially she’s my step mom….But she has legally adopted me.
T: Now it all makes sense.
D: What does?….I mean speak up, I can hardly hear you. We’re doing some coke over here and its getting hard to pay attention to what you’re saying.
T: I said it makes sense why you get away with being drunk at the office and why you get raises every year and yet other more talented and hard working people get fired!
D: That sounds accusatory, Tim. I’m not a sensitive guy. But I could take offense. Really. I’m not sensitive or caring at all, and I arguably have no emotions. But you’re getting close to poking a tender spot, here.
T: You know what, Dave? Do you know what I’m going to do?
D: You’re going to tell me off and then hang up the phone and then say something snarky that reincorporates.
T: As funny as that might be, Dave, I’m going to rather divulge my sinister plans to get back at you.
D: I don’t like that ending so much.
T: I didn’t think you would. I’m going to go in to work tomorrow with some Bree cheese-
D: No! You wouldn’t! That’s Mom’s favorite!…
T: And I’m going to romance your mother by feeding her Bree cheese on rye crackers-
D: Oh no!
T: Then I’m going to marry her and through years of manipulation and devious plotting, I will wrestle her job as CEO from her, take over the company, and then I will fire you!
D: Tim….Can’t we make a deal? I mean let’s be reasonable. Please.
T: Too late, Dave. The wheels have already been set in motion. Tim gets out of bed and begins clicking on his iPhone I’m ordering some Bree cheese to be delivered to me right now.
D: You’d have to order all the way from New York at this time of day its like seven o’ clock!
T: Four. I’m in L.A.
D: That only confirms my point! There’s no place in L.A. where you can buy fancy cheese at four in the morning!
T: I’ve found a store already called “Bree Storehouse For The Conniving” in New York and it says that they can rush order it in time for the meeting!
D: Dave looks up and sees he’s standing next to the sign for the store-he motions to the teller to buy some Bree
T: They have one wheel of Bree left and I’m ordering it right now! Hahahahha! What?
D: Did the website tell you the last one was just bought?
T: ….Yes. How did you know?…..realizes and silently admits defeat Dave, I should let you go. I’ve got to get ready for the Hamshire meeting tomorrow.
D: Tim…I’m sorry I woke you up tonight buddy.
T: That’s okay. Don’t worry about it.
D: Have a good morning, buddy.
T: Yeah. You too. Hangs up phone his girlfriend Brenda rolls over from where she’s been hidden in the covers
Brenda: Would you really have married your boss just to get back at Dave? You’ve always told me you don’t want to get married.
T: Oh, Brenda-you know that was an empty threat. It would have never worked out between me and Ms. Lindel anyway. I’m lactose intolerant.
B: You’re lactose intolerant? Uh. I think we need to start seeing other people.
The phone rings
T: Can you answer it? I can’t take anymore. Is holding is head in his hands
B: Hello? Oh, Hi Dave! Yeah. Laughs again and again flirtatiously. Yeah, dinner sounds nice. Yeah, I’m single now. Friday sounds great. Yeah, he’s here. He’s just a sour puss right now. Okay. I’ll tell him. Night, Dave! See you soon. That was Dave.
T: Really. sarcastic
B: Yeah. He said that he’d thought of something snarky you could say that would reincorporate but he forgot it. He’ll call back though. Well. I’ll see you, loser. She leaves in her pj’s and slams the door. The phone rings. Tim looks at it despairingly. Finally concedes to pick it up
T: Hello?
Francois: In thick French accent Allo! This is Francois from Bree Storehouse for The Conniving. Yes, the fellow who bought our last wheel of Bree returned it. Would you still like it sent to you express?
T: Yes….Oh, and do you sell Lactaid?
F: But of course.
T: hahahahahahahahahaha!
curtain

Expect a lot of controversy this week.
Ugh.
There’ll be many a ‘flame war’ among internet
trolls and the African Bishops, I just know it.
You know, there were nay sayers when
Pope Clement the Eleventh said there was
no grace outside the Church.
And you know what?
They burned in hell.
And when Pope Gregory the Sixteenth said that all Bible
interpretation is left to the infalliable Magisterium of the Church
there were those hipster ‘blog’ journalists who chimed in.
And you know what?
They had unusually high viewing records for that week.
Because religion sells.
And controversy ups blog hype.
And you know what?
The current Pope is expecting and ready for all that
you internet-dwelling-microwave-baked-beans-eating-nerd-chic
Mac-using-jerks can throw at him.
Well, I for one appreciate the spirit and daring prophetic
vision that the Pope had this week when he declared my perpetual virginity.

And a Papal decree of virginity is WAY better than any ol’
evangelical ‘born again virgin’ bullshit.
You tell someone you’re a ‘born again virgin’ as they’re about
to fist their way into another fistula and you’re bound to get laughed
out of the academy.
Evangelicalism won’t get you anywhere in serious religious discussion
or in the sack.
But a statement written in Latin will sew you tighter than the security at Dulles.
That’s the breaks, folks. I wish all you sluts good luck-as for me and my perpetual virginity,
we’re heading over to the House of Blues on Sunset!

You know, some of the best poets never spoke literally.
Why is it that we need to always speak of religions literally?
Really.
Have you ever thought about Mormonism in a non-literal sense?
It seems pretty cool in that way. You know, like, these immigrants
or more appropriately refugees have to flee and lo and behold they
end up in the Americas.
And this fella cares about their stories and writes them down and
then this other dude finds them and in an effort to establish harmony
and unity, makes a new myth for spiritual folk in America.
Forget literalism! It’s a cool story.
And its in that same spirit of Mormonism that I can tell you that
I’m sober.
I’m totally not high-in a metaphorical sense.
You see, when I body paint magical runes on myself and eat
chocolate covered cherries and watch the sunset over LA,
I can say that like every religion worth its weight in salt,
I’m operating at a purely mythic level.
So to answer your question:
Yes, I am perfectly fit to walk to
Jack In The Box.
Just write what you want down on this old google maps.

Hey! Oh my goodness. I mean oh my goodness! Good to see you. My. I haven’t seen you since Dave and Paul’s party this spring. Yeah! Yes, I remember you-silly! Of course. You look great. Just great! You’ve been working out. Pilates! Oh my gawd! I tried that once and nearly broke in half, girl! It works for you, though. Damn. I’m telling you, I was on my way to my second pilates class, and caught a different bus and went to The Massage Place on Montana instead. I said: “I value my life more than that.” Well, good for you. Wow. You look great. And I’ve got to say, your nose job looks alright. Yeah! Don’t be shy! No! It looks okay. Yeah. No, I’d heard some things, but from what I’d heard I had a totally different image in mind. But, no, it looks like…not bad at all. Totally. Would I lie? I’m like George Washington over here, girl. I’ll be the first to tell you I took somebody home last night and then passed out half way to second base and then kicked them out at six in the morning ‘cause I had the runs. No, believe me: its just about passable. Yeah! Are you walking this way? I can walk with you. Oh, I’m in a hurry too. Maybe I’ll just walk with you to the parking garage. Okay. Oh, you’re getting a phone call? Go ahead answer it, yeah, no, I’ll just walk with you.

Hello everyone!
I was among the many today to get an email response from John Geary, GM and VP of KRXQ.
Like so many others around the country and world, I’d sent Geary an email expressing my sadness and hurt over statements made by Rob and Arnie about Trans youth. Well, I was happy to get this email in my inbox today-

Thank you for your feedback regarding the May 28th and June 3rd, 2009 broadcasts of “The Rob, Arnie and Dawn Show.” I understand the seriousness of the issue, and want to share with you a copy of a notice that has been posted on our website, www.krxq.net these shows, Rob and Arnie made what we, and they, recognize were completely unacceptable remarks concerning members of the transgender community, especially children. Accordingly, this Thursday, June 11th, 2009, the show will be dedicated to what we anticipate will be a forum to promote a better understanding among all listeners of the issues involved.

During
John D. Geary
Vice President / General Manager”

 

So, all you who have been following this story, our voices have been heard. But, let’s continue with this. Let’s listen in on this Thursday June 11th to the ‘Rob, Arnie, and Dawn’ show and continue to let our voices and stories be heard.

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