I care a lot about the environment. I think about it with my heart racing. Especially when my sweaty palms are gripping my sawed off shotgun and I’m face to face with an aardvark.
Nature is cruel. Ask anybody who’s been mauled by a mountain lion or had a bacterial infection before the discovery of penicillin in 1928–sorry gramma. 

Whenever I go to Starbucks for my morning or afternoon mocha latte with whipped cream, I walk to the garbage can and recycling bin with my empty cup and think: “What would be the best thing to do for the environment?” and then I think: “What has the environment ever done for me?” and I throw the cup in the grass outside.  

People talk about taking care of Mother Nature like she’s some kindly old Mother Theresa who needs us to ladle warm soup into her toothless mouth. In reality, this is the woman that just killed my friend in an avalanche and gave me rabies (not avalanche related). The minute you turn your back on Nature, you’re liable to get sprayed, stung, hurricaned, tar-pitted, gored, parasited, or bestialitied. I have several cases pending where I’m seeking damages and compensation from bestiality. If you’re reading this, ostrich–My lawyers have committed to take this to civil court!

So until the environment starts showing me respect, it can expect me to never ‘let it mellow if its yellow’.

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