Just when things seem as though they can’t get worse, you lower your expectations so low that bad becomes normal. This is how Lost stayed on the air so many seasons.
Some worlds in some universes go to hell in a handbasket early–some naked people eating an apple for example. (Apple a day keeps the sin to stay, so they say.) Sometimes things go bad slowly. Like a Vikings football game.

And what better way to celebrate hopelessness than by getting married? That’s what Peleus and Thetis decided to do.
Peleus was a testosterone dripping rage-aholic with a self image problem and a national hero. Peleus was the strongest warrior of his time, which by all accounts was a pretty badass time. Imagine Mad Max meets the Toxic Avenger.
He decided to settle down and get married. Or at least get married. He’d let the settling down happen after he’d put some more years behind him. It was a cold and damp November afternoon when he proposed to Thetis, the multigendered naiad offspring of Poseidon. They were at the bottom of a lake when Peleus wrote on their communicating board: “You’re a great catch.” and handed zher a golden fishing hook with a pearl inset. Zhe said yes by flairing her dorsel fin and they immediately set a wedding date.

Their wedding invitations were sent by Hermes and his slightly slower brother Herpes. Because of the great number of invites to deliver, Hermes gave Herpes the task of sending all the letters in Ithaca.
Throughout Ithaca, the news of Peleus and Thetis spread like wildfire and Herpes.

Ulysses and Penelope were sunbathing on their veranda when Herpes appeared in a flash.
“Good day King Ulysses and Queen Penelope! I come bearing great news.” He handed them an invitation.
Queen Penelope opened the envelope and squeaked with joy “Uly, Thetis and Peleus are getting married!”
She handed the invite to Uly and while they ooohed and aaahed over the paper quality, Herpes asked to use the bathroom. “Yeah, go ahead. Its just through the patio there.” Uly pointed. Herpes set down his messenger bag and trotted off.

“Wot’s this then?” Uly picked up a letter from the Messenger God’s bag.
It was a black envelope that smelled of desperation, backne, and beef jerky.
On it was written, “Eris”.
“OMG! Penny, come look!” Uly waved the envelope.
“Uly, I truly hope you aren’t getting any crazy ideas. Eris is the goddess of discord, strife, and general assholery!”
“It will make for a great prank. You see: I take Eris’ invitation and she gets pissed at Peleus and Thetis! I never did like those two. They think they’re such a great couple because they wear matching Hipster scarves.”
“i’ve always liked their scarves. And Uly–It’s always a bad idea to upset goddesses of animosity.”
Ulysses remembered the time he stirred up a hornet’s nest into the soup his mother was making and how the black buzzing cloud of stinging hornets looked when the pot was opened at the dinner table. He remembered how he once pre-emptively invaded a nation. He thought of the time he stepped on Superman’s cape, spit into the wind, pulled the mask of the ol’ Lone Ranger and messed around with Jim all in one afternoon. Uly slipped the note into his bodice.

Penelope crossed her arms and in the distance they heard a toilet flush. “Uly, he’s going to know it’s missing! He’s going to find it on you!”
Uly thought. He always made an ugly face when he thought and Penelope wished he’d stop. “Aha!” Uly took a frame off the wall and placed the invitation in it before replacing it gently on it’s nail.
“I read about this guy once who was hiding a letter and he hid it on his wall! It was so obvious, it was the last place anybody thought to look!”
Penelope rubbed her forehead. In zipped Herpes. “I love your bath towels, you guys.”
Uly: Tell me Herpes–you’re basically The Flash from the comics right?
Herpes: Well, actually The Flash is basically me. But yes. Of course my brother Hermes too I guess.
Uly: Do you think the Speed Force enables The Flash to go to the bathroom really fast?
Herpes: Are you in a roundabout way asking if I can ‘number two’ in the blink of an eye?
Uly: Gods no! That would be rude.
Herpes: Then the answer would be no. Digestion is unaffected by the Speed Force.
Uly: Now, as ‘Messenger to the Gods’, does that make you a God or demi-god, or…
Herpes: I’m a God.
Uly: Wow. You’re pretty important. I bet your name is on everybody’s lips.
Herpes: Well. I dunno.
Uly: I mean, you really spread quickly. That’s gotta be tough. Getting around like that.
Herpes: It’s not so tough.
Uly: And how cool being so communicable.
Herpes: You mean communicative.
Uly: Sure.
Herpes: Look. I get what you’re doing. My name is Herpes so you’re making a joke. It’s not smart to piss of a God you know.
Uly: Oh! I wouldn’t do that.
Herpes: Then why did you steal an invitation from me?

Uly flushed. “I wouldn’t…”
“You forget I’m a patron to thieves. Where is the letter you purloined?”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about. I ain’t never purloined nuthin’.”
“You put it in the picture frame. That’s brilliant.” Herpes pulled the frame off the wall and recovered the letter. “And the invitation to Eris nonetheless. You are in for some trouble, my friend.” Herpes shook his Godly finger and made ‘tsk tsk’ sounds.

An hour later Penelope strolled into the backyard and found Ulysses near the helipad cackling and waving Eris’ invitation.
“Uly! What happened!…Did you kill him? Tell me the truth.”
“How would a mere mortal kill a God, Penny? I mean one would have to know that a certain God’s power of speed didn’t affect their digestion and then they would have to have BBQ chicken with said God and then ask that God to go swimming in their pool and then ignore that God’s pleas of help when drowning with a bad cramp.”
“That’s how you did it!” She gasped.
“No. I offered him some meth. Turns out the ol’ Flash has a taste for the ice.”
Uly tore up the invitation and threw the pieces to the winds.
“There!” He said. “If that was a bad decision, may I eat crow.”
Just then a crow flew into his mouth.

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