A review from Stanford says it is becoming clearer that human activities are causing climate change and the elimination of solid waste from the colon can result in pleasurable feelings.

It says the evidence is stronger than ever if one takes into account the lakes of mercury and burning fields of devastated old growth forests. This report also includes anecdotal evidence gathered after a night of spicy curry dishes and too much lager.

Officials from Stanford claim that this new evidence will sway even the most hardened know-nothings like the congregation of Woodbury Baptist Church in Topeka Kansas who has been holding in their sprawling parking lot a “coal bonfire” since 2005. Said congregant Niles Jornath “This here fire represents to us the love of God. And hell.” 

The analysis, written in the secular and ungodly environment of a university is being met with criticism from climate change and shit experts from many Evangelical churches throughout America’s heartland.
“I ain’t gonna listen to nunna them Westcoast liberals. Nuh uh.” Said Richard Karlsen, pastor of Colorado Springs megachurch The River. Karlsen lifted his shirt to reveal a colostomy bag. “Pooping is a lifestyle choice that is unacceptable in the eyes of God.”

The Stanford report says the Earth is changing rapidly, probably because of greenhouse gases created by fossil fuels and fog machines used at Hellhouses during fundamentalist Christian “harvest festivals”.

In 2007 the entirety of sane scientists concluded that there was “unequivocal” evidence that the Earth was warming and it was likely that it was due to burning of fossil fuels.

2007 was also the first year of a recorded instance of someone reporting on their Facebook ‘status’ that they had “taken a ginormous duece” and it was “like giving birth to a corn kernely God.” The author of that post, Dave Stupak, has since dropped out of high school and joined a Pentecostal church. He now considers himself a poop denialist.
“Yes, I wrote that. But I also used to believe that the earth was 4.54 billion years old. I even thought that one could receive the Holy Spirit and NOT speak in tongues. I was young. I was confused. Pooping feels horrible. If you think otherwise, you’re deceived.”

The Stanford study comes at a time when some have questioned the entire basis of climate science following recent controversies over the handling of research findings by the IPCC and the Climate Research Unit at the University of East Anglia from their church basements and bomb shelters.

Dr Osgood denies that the study has been published as part of a fight back by the climate research community.

“We started writing the climate part of this paper a year ago. The ‘pooping feels good’ part was written at about 4 o’clock this morning after a couple of drinks.”

The study brings together other research from a range of disciplines. Tellingly, not one fundamentalist theologian was asked to take part of the study.  

It’s important to communicate to people what science is showing
Dr Rita Osgood

“We hadn’t [until now] looked in detail at the billowing clouds of noxious gases that were catching low flying birds on fire. Nor had we asked our roommates if it felt good to pinch a loaf until last night when we were drunk.” says Dr Osgood.

“[Our paper looks at] not just the jets of atmosphere-deteriorating chemicals shooting into rivers and children’s parks, or the reducing Arctic sea ice, or changing rainfall patterns, or the fact that the atmosphere is getting more humid, but also that as far as our roomies and their Couch Surfer friend Brownie are concerned, a bowel movement can be enjoyable. This is news to us.” Osgood said while showing slides of filled toilets and thousands of dead species.

The Stanford study said that this project stunned many in the scientific community. Many leading thinkers are comparing this study to last year’s paradigm shattering finding that Doritos are really really good with Dr. Pepper and burning fossil fuels in an infant’s nursery could cause health issues in the infant.

According to the report: “While we are finding hard evidence that climate change is directly linked to human activity, primarily caused by using carbon based energy sources and confirming the satisfaction of hauling off a huge shit. While this conflicts with the Christian Fundamentalist worldview, it does not necessarily detract from the core tenets of the Christian faith.”

Said Pastor Karlsen, “There’s a place in hell reserved for science.” His full colostomy bag then exploded.

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