The time had come for the wedding feast of Peleus and Thetis.
Everyone throughout the Greek Isles had clicked “attending” on the Facebook event page and their coordinated eye-clock implants were flashing their “drink a lot of water today because you’ll be hitting the bottle hard tonight!” alert.

Everyone that is except for Eris, goddess of discord, strife, and straight up assholery. She was alone in her highrise apartment looking over Ithaca and muttering to her cats between huge bong hits. (Unfortunately for so many, she did not know that indeed she had been invited but her letter had been purloined by the wily prankster King Ulysses.)
As she blew her mind on gooey Peruvian buds, time expanded and she sunk into wide hammocks between the now sluggish seconds. It was there that she concocted up a revenge to wreak upon the unwitting and undeserving Peleus and Thetis.

The party was just four hours away and in their shining castle, Ulysses and Penelope Groan gussied up for wedding.
Penny: Uly, what are you wearing tonight?
Uly: Oh, I dunno. I think probably my sport jacket and slacks.
Penny: You don’t know yet? Uly, we’ve got to get going if we’re going to make it there on time!
Uly: We’ve got plenty of time. (He scrolled through video sites in his neuro-Net uplink)
Penny: Time is one thing we haven’t got. It’s got us. Uly, time is ticking. What are you wearing?
Uly: We’ve got like four hours!
Penny: It starts at five. We’ve got to get through blimp traffic, we’ve got to park, we’ve got to get dressed,…add all that up and we’ve got like an hour. And you haven’t shaved! You are shaving.
Uly: That takes me like a minute.
Penny: You’re not using your electric.
Uly: Two minutes then. Look at the hourglass there. We’ve got plenty of time.
Penny: I’m looking at the hourglass and you know what I see? Time slipping away. Time is one resource that devours itself. I don’t want to be the last ones there. Uly! Are you even listening to me?

And of course he wasn’t. He was thinking of the onetime universal of human mortality. Since the perfection of anti-aging and anti-degradation gene therapies and nano medicines of 2033, the perpetual extension of human life had thrown time into a wholly novel light. People could now say, “I’ll climb Mount Everest someday” and really mean it because in the course of their lives they could easily fit in multiple summit excursions of every mountain in the world. Ulysses had a hard time feeling rushed for anything now that he was facing at least a millenia of napping and snacking.

After much pacing, yelling, scrambling, and fretting, Uly and Penny finally stepped out to their blimp garage, high upon a parapet in the clouds. Pulling the lines up and readying the fan engines were two of Uly’s clones, Gene, and Splice. “We hope you two have a great time!” said Gene as they slowly pulled away from the docking station.

Uly: I’m really not looking forward to this wedding. All of Thetis and Peleus’ friends are…
Penny: What? Young?
Uly: Hipsters.
Penny: I think they have nice friends. 
Uly: There’s only so many conversations I can have about roof gardening and fixie bikes, Penny.
Penny: You be on your best behavior. Better yet, be on my worst behavior.

Uly was worried that they would be arriving too late to the party. He knew the secret to arriving to a party is to arrive late but not late enough that the attention has moved away from the door and second glasses of wine could dampen welcoming applause. He ordered the DriverBot to drop some of the sandbags off the side of the blimp. Forty pounds of sandbags then crushed Prav Drashi, a nine year old working family’s son. His family, being working class made the most of their loss by using the sand to make a sandbox for their other son. “When God closes a door, He opens a window.” The late Prav’s mother whispered to herself as she combed her fingers through the sand.

The blimp settled into a slipstream and gained speed. A flock of unsuspecting birds were made into downy puffs as the silent blimp’s propellers whisked the sky. One lone surviving bird, a DodoBot, landed on an open window sill where Ulysses was smoking.
“Oy, you just made mincemeat of me mates.”
“Mincemeat? That’s a Christmas thing. No thanks.”
“Shite, man. You just killed me fiance! Me family, me friends!”
“You know what they say, When God closes a door, He opens….”
“Not me man. I don’t buy that God shite. I’m no pleb!”
Ulysses realized he was dealing with a more acute mind than most Ithacans (or is it Ithacians?).
“Look, bird.”
“The name’s Chup.”
“I’m King of Ithaca…..Ulysses S. Groan. Maybe you’ve heard of me. I’m late for an important party.”
“Funny. I was on me way to an important party too. Me wedding!”
“That is funny! We’re going to a wedding too. Some friends of ours. And we’re late.”
“I get it. Sure. You have the liberty to kill anything  in your way. Because you’re late.”
Ulysses, getting perturbed by this upstart said “Listen, birdbrain. You probably don’t even know what time is let alone the importance time can have to a King. My time is very valuable and I don’t have a lot of it!”
The DodoBot looked down and saw far below the tiny riverside chapel he should have been slipping the ceremonial ring around his husband’s finger and by a miracle found the patience to say:
“Yes, your time is short, King Ulysses. Because you decide it to be so. Your busyness burns time like chaff. You may think that us birds live short lives but that’s not so. A bird lives twice as long as any bio-human. You wish to know why? Because each moment counts to a bird. Even when we sleep we’re holding the preciousness of life in our hearts–knowing that any number of predators or the cold could kill us in our sleep. Why you think we sing wit’ such loud voices at the smell of dawn?…Your life will be shorter still because of your lack of wisdom, King Ulysses. You imagine yourself so keen, so wily–like a fox. Well, that will be the end of you. And a good riddence twill be. I’ll be off to mourning me fiance and loved ones and living the life I love so dear. And I’ll let you get back to your waste of time you call a life.” And with a single flap Chup was gone. 
“What was that?” Penny asked as she approached from the bar, Mai Tai clinking in hand.
“Not exactly the bluebird of happiness, but something close.”

The steps to the front gate were littered with empty champagne bottles and there were street children scratching at the dirt like chickens for the chance of a dropped rock of crack cocaine. Peleus’ guards would kick an absent-minded foot at the children inbetween drags from their cheap Slavic cigarettes. The King and Queen were unrecognized by the guards and the doorman also, despite Ulysses’ throat clearing and adjustment of his crown.
“This is how Jesus must have felt! These assholes!” Ulysses thought.
“I love that I can live among my people as simply the proud citizen I am.” He said to an unfooled Penelope.

Inside the party was well underway and Ulysses swore under his breath. Penelope leaned to his ear, “I told you we were gonna be late.” Much of the partiers had moved to the kitchen and were comparing tattoos as a few hipster chemists worked furiously with a funnel pouring shots of whiskey into Red Stripe bottles. “What’s up douchebags?” Ulysses yelled into the linoleum floored kitchen. Only a few heads came up with accompanying “Yeah!”s.
Just as Ulysses was slumping into a party-ruining funk, out of the crowd came the requisite hispster party Lover.
(The Lover is noted for their choice of overly warm looking clothes, non-sexual demeanor, and lingering hugs.)
This one was named Cupid and he held Ulysses in a bearhug for eight seconds.

“And Penny! Welcome.” Another long hug. “You guys look so good. It makes me feel good just to see you two.”
“Great man. Say, are Peleus and Thetis around?”
“I think they’re in the bathroom. Peleus took some bad mushrooms and Thetis is in there helping him out.”
“Cool….I mean, bummer.” Ulysses rubbed his beard nervously as he was horrible at hipster communication and etiquette.
They were left alone when Cupid left to attend to some minor dieties whose drinks were empty. (“Let me get it! You’re drinking white and you’re red? Okay!”)
A pale looking guy in a tight turtleneck approached them. “This is the cool group over here huh.”
“Uh…” Ulysses looked to Penelope hoping she could help out.
“You guys just checkin’ things out. On the periphery.”
“No, we just got here and were just about to get something to drink. My name’s Ulysses and this is my wife Penelope.”
“Don’t sit on the couch.”
“What’s that?”
“That couch. Its super buttwarm. Diana was just sitting on it and its so hot it feels wet.”
“She’s a Goddess, man.” Ulysses said with still a friendliness in his voice.
“Yeah, and I’ve got hemrrhoids that are sensitive to extreme degrees of buttheat. So fucking what?”
Penelope stepped forward a step, “My name is Penelope, Queen of Ithaca and this is Ithaca’s King Ulysses.”
“Yeah, I heard him the first time.”
“I don’t know if we’ve met before, friend.” Ulysses said icily.
“Yeah. We have like three years ago at a party Hades had at his cabin.” 
“I’m not sure I remember you actually. Maybe you didn’t make a big impression.” Said Ulysses, chest inflating.
“That’s too fucking bad for you, friend, because I’m the Earth-Shaker. Hades’ brother…Poseidon. God of the Sea. Nice crown, asshat. Maybe I’ll see you around.”

Ulysses ran to the bathroom, pushed the vomiting Peleus and the attending Thetis aside and threw up in and around the toilet.

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