April 2010

“Knock knock, anybody home?” Menelaus poked his head through the doggy flap.
“Go away!”
“I brought ice cream.”
Soy ice cream.”
Ulysses lifted his head off the sofa.

“When’s the last time you…did anything?” Menelaus tried to tame his untamable beard.
“I took a poop four days ago.” Uly said through a mouthful of soy ice cream.
“That’s a medical concern. Not an achievement.”
Papers littered the floor and had been used as a litter box, garbage cans were thrown about like garbage, and a rotting plate of eggs benedict was currently hatching.
“Uly. You’ve got to get over her, man. Or apologize. No woman or amount of pride is worth this.”
Ulysses’ eyes glazed over as he rubbed a glazed donut on his face.
“I am over her! And I’ll never give up my pride. Or my hubris. Besides, I love it here.”
“In the doghouse?”
“Yes, in the doghouse!”
They heard a key in the doggie door.
“Oh shit, that’s my roommate. What a bitch he is.”
The door swung in and Argo trotted in.
“You worthless pothead! I told you to take your shoes off inside!” He howled.
“See? I told you he was a bitch.”

Paris was going to Tashi Station to pick up some power converters when in a flash he was struck by lightning.
It was unbearable, but he couldn’t complain. It was over prettly quickly. And he was unconscious.
Like all people who are unconscious, he had a vision that changed his life. It was an image of a woman who was really really sexy and a virgin. And she was visited by an angel and the angel told her: “Rejoice, you highly favored one! The Lord is with you. Blessed are you among women!” and she was like: “WTF?” and the angel said: “You’re gonna get some sweet sweet loving. And if not…you’re a virgin, what do you know?”
Paris woke up and screamed to the heavens “What does the vision mean?!” And no answer came.
Until ten seconds later when in a flash, he was struck by lightning again (which doesn’t happen often). Like all people who experience rare flukes of chance, he had a vision. In it, he saw himself making sweet sweet love.
He woke up feeling rather refreshed. But wet and sticky in his BVDs. “Ahh, man.”

Argo had poured a round of gin and tonics and set himself before a bowl of Kibbles ‘n’ Bits. “I’ll tell you what, Uly. You’ve got to get out of this doghouse.”
“Thanks for worrying about me, Argo. But I really think its over between me and Penelope.”
“Oh, I’m not worried about you. I’m worried about my white carpets which now have stains all over them, my couch which is getting tattered to shreds, and a front lawn that’s gone yellow from urine.”
Menelaus lifted his shirt, revealing a tattoo of a broken heart with a rat chewing it.
“Love hurts, man. You’ve got to buck up. Get a spine. You’re acting like you’re spayed or something.”
“Hey!” Argo tucked his tail between his legs and licked his wounds.
“Maybe you guys are right. Maybe I should just let go and let God.” Uly said.
“That’s the spirit!” Menelaus popped out of the papasan. “When I find myself in times of trouble, Mother Mary comes to me, speaking words of wisdom: let it be.”
“Who’s Mary?”
“My mother. I just said that.”
Ulysses looked out the doghouse window at his castle across the backyard.
“There’s my love, my life. Just thirty feet away. But it feels like its could be a million miles. All I want is my wife, my life, my family back.”
“Well,” said Menelaus. “Yesterday’s gone and that’s a fact. Now there’s no more looking back.”
A knock on the doggie door. Argo went up on all fours and went barking like mad to answer the door.
“Uly, you’ve got a package!”

The twin suns of Tatooine felt very weak indeed from deep within the sunken adobe vacation home of Paris, humble shepherd boy, and letch.
Currently, he was the Man in a Manwich sandwich nestled between the buns of a Manbun and the bosom of a Ladybun.
His face was wide and glorious, like the face of an openfaced sandwich.
“I’m so hungry I could eat an entire goat right now.” He sighed.
“I’d be happy to feed you some funky pig foot–” said the Manbun.
“Oh, you rascal. No, honeybuns. I mean I’m really hungry.”
“I’ve got a jellyroll if you’re interested–” said Ladybun.
“And I’ve got a donut hole–”
“And I’ve got a beef taco–”
“And I ‘ve got pull pork–”
“And I’ve got a buffet of week old clam chowder.”
“And I’ve got a bag of haggis–”
This went on for another half an hour until Paris finally ordered a “Lollipop” and found out neither of them were talking about real food at all.
“Gods damn it. I mean I’m actually physically hungry for edible sustanance with caloric benefit to maintain my metabolic functions!”
“Ohhhhhhh.” in unison.

Argo the Golden Retriever, Menelaus The King of Sparta, and Ulysses S. Groan The King of Ithaca stood looking down inside the opened FedEx box.
“What the fuck are you dumbshits looking at?”
“I think its a teenaged boy.” Argo said, sniffing.
“I think we should shoot first and ask questions later.” Menelaus said, with a snort.
“I think its my son.” Uly said, sniffling. 

The Boy sat on the ottoman texting and sexting with hundreds of people he didn’t know or knew from World of Warcraft. Occasionally he’d go into the kitchen and eat three days worth of cereal.
“So tell me again what that thing is….” Menelaus said.
Ulysses explained to Menelaus and Argo how just before the wedding of Thetis and Peleus, he had implanted a FastGro Seed in Queen Penelope’s nutrient bath.
“I thought that she hadn’t put a new power converter in it…but I guess she did. And now…I’ve got a son. I’m a father! Hey, I’m a dad!” Uly was so happy he thought about getting off the couch to go into the kitchen and give the boy a hug.
“There’s a letter here. Its from Penelope.” Menelaus handed the scroll over.

Dear Ulysses. As you might have guessed, I put a new power converter in the nutrient bath. Here is our son, Telemachus. He doesn’t answer to that name, but he doesn’t react to anything an adult says. He’s a teenager. Try getting his attention with food. That usually works.
Do you know how hard it is to be a Queen with children at your feet ? Wonder how one manages to make ends meet?
Who finds the money when one pays the rent? Did you think that money was heaven sent? Having a child is no easy task. Children will be the end of us! Take this week for example: Tuesday afternoon was never ending, Wednesday morning papers didn’t come, Thursday night my stockings needed mending. See how they run!
[here was included a video of socks embedded in the text] So I’m giving you Telemachus to deal with. I can’t take it anymore! By the way, can you stop urinating on the lawn? Its killing the grass and the motion lights turn on at night and it keeps me up. [signed] Penelope.”

Back on the farm…the moisture farm that is:
Paris lounged with his lovers Beru and Owen thinking thoughts of thoughtless days of June when the moon is full and flights of fancy are at any dandy’s hand. Yes, it was the good life for Prince Paris, Son of Priam King of Troy.
Since Aphrodite had given him the power to seduce any person he wished, Paris was finally content. The world was his oyster and his ears were filled with the sounds of music, like the hills were alive with it. It was as though Blue Oyster Cult was playing on repeat through a Coclear implant.
In a flash, several Chupacabras crashed through his door and mauled Owen and Beru. They then drug the bodies near the front door and burned them.
Paris was…..flummoxed.
“Why? Why Chupacabras?”
They pointed in unison at the closest closet.
Paris opened the door slowly as Blue Oyster Cult was replaced by high pitched violins.
There, hiding in the closet was Elian Gonzalez.
“You little trouble maker.”
Elian fell in love with Paris immediately.
Just then, Beru and Owen appeared as if in a dream.
“Am I dreaming?”
“Did you go to sleep?” Said Owen.
“Then what do you think?” Beru said.
“Geez, what’s your guys problem?”
“We were mauled and cremated by magical Mexican beasts, douche!” said Owen.
“We’re ghosts, Paris.” said Beru, “And we’ve come to tell you…go to Atlantis City. There you will meet the most beautiful woman in the world at the Ms. Universe Beauty Contest.”

A knock came to the doggie door.
Argo barked.
Telemachus played video games.
Uly drank gin.
Menelaus answered the door.
“Its an invitation. To the Ms. Universe beauty pageant in Atlantis City.”
“Roadtrip!” shrieked Telemachus.


Arizona–Jan Brewer lifted her voice in triumph, mimicking the blood lusty shriek of a teradactyl this morning as she surveyed her dusty wasteland. She celebrated the passing of SB1070, known as the “I’m Not Racist Or Anything…But” Bill by wiping her lily white pure European blooded ass with a copy of the Constitution.
“It feels good to begin the final solution of our alien invasion.” She said, clogging a toilet with a copy of the Bill of Rights and mounds of her steaming filth.

Many white people applauded the Bill. One Scottsdale resident, Yancy McGreagor, put a sign in his yard reading: “I Am Willing To Cheapen My Own Humanity For Some ‘Us Versus Them’ Politics!”
Mr. McGreagor told reporters, “I don’t care who this Bill is against. So long as its not against me. Has anyone seen my landscaper, nanny, pool guy, dog walker, housekeeper, or my daughter’s boyfriend? Man, where is everybody?”

The Bill, requires police to request proof of citizenship of any brown skinned people they may suspect of not being in the US legally.
The Bill has a number of other clauses including:
“Article 45: Police are required to congratulate White people for being White and give big hugs to redheaded or really pale people.”

A number of Americans are reacting with anger and disgust at the new Bill, many citing “the Constitution”, “Common sense and decency”, “the rule of law and not being an idiot”, “Christian morals” among other arguments many of which contain swear words and head shaking.

Jan Brewer spent the rest of the day looking at pictures of James Earl Ray and masturbating.

The full mailing address is:
The Honorable Jan Brewer
Governor of Arizona
1700 West Washington
Phoenix, Arizona 85007

Telephone (602) 542-4331
Toll Free 1-(800) 253-0883
Fax (602) 542-1381

We will soon be facing the reality of being able to be essentially immortal. Surely within the lifetimes of our younger generations it will occur that barring a tragic accident of physical trauma, there will be little danger of dying. 
So its very agreeable that Newitz is bringing the conversation to the table. There’s plenty of issues our societies will do well to tackle now so that when immortality is a reality, we’ll can have the ethical groundwork in place to ease the transition. 

I do agree with Newitz’ stated value that medical improvements and technological advancement should not come with the cost of depriving other’s the same access and dignity afforded to ‘elites’.

Newitz makes a conflation of ideas that is ultimately damaging to her argument against choosing immortality: societal health and the continuation of the human species. Categories of species are difficult and fluid, and I would assert sometimes quite arbitrary. What we know as our human ‘species’ is transitional–as all biological forms are. To make our form even more plastic, we are defined by our grasping beyond our present situations. We endeavor through culture, especially technology, to expand upon what is given. Humanity is not now nor has it ever been a closed equation but is rather like a syntax which though it has certain constraints can provide infinite possibilities.

I am convinced that there will be in a few generations many humanoid special types. Immortality will be a choice to many at first and soon a choice to all current human level species (and other life if one were to desire for a longevity pooch or super-cat to snuggle for the millenia). Of course the compassionate, just, and reasonable value to ever pursue is equal access to these new empowering technological/medical advances. I’m with Newitz there.

And yes, I believe that there will be those who for whatever reason will choose to opt out of immortality. But it remains that immortality is a worthwhile project that will prove to not be vulnerable to the types of ‘downsides’ that Newitz fears.

Her stated reasons are fourfold: 
1) We will no longer be human. What is human? Is Newitz ready to define humanity? Even within Martin Heidegger’s great description of humanity as a platform of possibility that leaves out all essentializing and body expectations, I am troubled by his centering the human experience around death. Certainly in Heideggerian terms immortality will not be Dasein, and that’s a good thing. I believe that “Being” is big enough to allow for many “areas of Beingness” and as we expand humanoid and robotic consciousnesses we will get beyond the petty fears of our current specism.

2) Whatever body you’re in, there you are. Well, yes. I don’t follow what Newitz is getting at here. Who would be fooled into thinking that immortality would be a form of escapism or flight from responsibility? It will most likely be the opposite: as we are able to “face consequences” for what was before seven generations, we’ll have to own up to our messes much more than we currently do.

3) Our augmented bodies and minds will be hackable. Protection from outside unwanted hacks and viruses has greatly increased over the past years. Will there be room for wanted hacks? Yes and thank goodness. The specialization and individuality possible in hacking will be a benefit to the future of creativity, freedom, and the poetic intangibles of life. It seems that such a worry of being the victim of an unwanted hack represents an updated form of the fear of “media saturated culture”. There is an attraction to the protected autonomous and isolative self that can exist as a pure essence and must be protected from “the manipulations of culture, media, and brainwashing propaganda.” Bodies’ immunity to unwanted invaders when uncompromised is an amazing feature of evolution and our next steps of evolution through technology will only improve.
And manipulation can be decidedly low tech.
Newitz writes: “…your cool new exoskeleton? Let’s just hope somebody patched that problem that lets kids in Russia take it over remotely and make you hump trucks forever.” Exploitation and cruel manipulation of another does not need computer interfacing or brain hacks. Let’s not be naive–slavery of different types and expressions occur right now and indentured servitude right here in 2010 United States through immigration policy and economics. Let’s tackle the problems we have now realistically.
4) We’ll have to deal with the immortality divide. Add it to the already long list of divides, sheesh. Yes, egalitarianism is the ideal. Equality in access and dignity is a value I support, but distribution of technologies and medical advances is exceedingly becoming more prevalent, not less. We must continue to support the global consciousness of connectivity and justice but let’s not let any current injustices dissuade us from continuing on the path of expanded possibilities. Newitz writes of the movie Daybreakers and while I haven’t seen the movie I know that its probably unnecessary in the conversation of “divides” or unjust social privileging. She writes: “….Democratic human societies might ossify into rigid, caste-based feudalism once again.” Why not, instead of talking about science fiction movies and the feudal systems of old, talk about the current reality of white privilege? Racism? Is it too hard to talk about? To put a name to? That the “digital divide” and “clean water divide” and many other access-disadvantages follow along skin coloring is a shame to our globe. Let’s face it head on and call it what it is: Colonialism and Imperialism’s ugly white privileging.

So while I will respect Newitz and everyone else’s choice to defer treatments to extend longevity indefinitely, I refute Newitz’ reasonings behind her argument.

Here’s Annalee Newitz’s post:

This morning I was looking at pictures of incense I’d placed on my Gaia shrine
(because incense smoke is so pollutive)
and while in a trance I was visited by the Spirit of Earth Day Past.

I held onto his sleeve and he flew me to Earth Day 1972
where we watched the first time Travis Wells of Dayton Ohio overcame great trepidation
to try out his roommate’s suggestion of “if its yellow let it mellow”. It was not as exciting of an ecological victory as you might imagine.
He then whisked me to Earth Day 1990 when I was twelve
and I was able to watch myself save the Sears catalog’s undergarment section from being thrown into the landfill.
My mother later sent it to the landfill and sent me to counseling.
It was worth it, Earth!

I then met the Spirit of Earth Day Future and lemme tell you: good news is on the way! In the year 2830 most everyone’s forgotten that really embarrassing thing you did during your blind date with Matt.

During this vision, I had to come to terms with the way I’d treated Mother Nature over the course of my life.
To be honest, I don’t have a perfect record in my treatment of animals and the environment.
And the shame of it makes me break out in hip hop.   

I lambasted a lamb and basted a ham
a xenophobed a zebu until it got out of hand
gave a snake bite to a snake though it rattled and hissed
and ostracized and scarlet lettered an unmarried ostrich

Because I couldn’t tame it I eschewed the shrew
and never gave the honey bee its credit due
I harangued an orangutang and hounded a poodle
I overfed a German Shepherd hefeweisen and strudel

I shook my fist at a platypus
told a bison to blow me with animus
On Halo3 I owned a hippopatamus
You should watch it on YouTube, it was rediculous

But that was the old me. That was the Tatooine Luke. Now I’m the Endor Luke.

I watched an awesome blockbuster movie this week with great special effects that taught me to reverence the beauty of nature.
It was called “Jaws”.
Its the relatable story of a workaday shark just trying to get by in life who has to face down three antagonists representing the id, ego, and superego. The shark falls victim to a ‘home invasion’ by the three assassins but doesn’t back down–she fights back as any mother would. In the end, the shark protects her home and dignity as a suicide bomber with a high pressure diving tank held in her mouth. Though the shark doesn’t take Roy Schneider or that creepy guy from What About Bob with her, she has performed a righteous act of jihad and will be rewarded with seven buckets of chum.  
And I think that’s a message we can all feel good about this Earth Day.

From The Atlantic Wire:

This post is under continual updating and revision for up-to-the-minute news on May 21st 2011.

1) God created the world in 11,013 B.C.

2) Noah’s Flood happened in 4990 B.C.

3) Jesus is going to rapture all real believers on May 21, 2011.

4) The world is going to be destroyed October 21, 2011.

5) Frankenmuth comes from the words “Frankenstein” and “Mouth”. Rendered from the original German, Frankenmuth means “The Kiss Of A Reanimated Monster”

6) May 21, 1988 was the last day of the Church Age, and the first day of the Great Tribulation, during which Satan has been ruling all churches and the entire world.

7) In the 2000 Census Frankenmuth Michigan had a population of 4,838. Eight being the number of completion, four being the number of balance and the Four Gospels, and three representing the holy dietary trinity of Breakfast Sausages, Eggs, and Biscuits.

8) Those who reject that Jesus is returning on May 21, 2011 “are in a spiritual nighttime, a condition that guarantees that when Christ comes they…will be destroyed in the Day of Judgment.”

9) Frankenmuth Michigan was settled in 1845, the same year that the Great Rabies Cloud hung over the Western Iowa Territories. 1845 added together is 18–the legal age to smoke cigarettes. Cigarettes taste really good and look glamorous.

10) “God commands…that true believers are to leave their church…because God’s righteous judgment is upon all local congregations.”

11) Everyone is invited to Frankenmuth Michigan’s World Expo of Beers on May 21, 2011. Everyone will have a good time and people will be cared about and no one will be destroyed, judged, or annihilated.

12) Beer is delicious.

*Numbers 1, 2, 3, 4, 6, 8, 10  are all taken from Harold Camping’s website or quoted directly from Harold Camping’s pamphlets titled: “Does God Love You?”, “No Man Knows The Day Or The Hour?”, “God Gives Another Infallible Proof That Assures The Rapture Will Occur May 21, 2011”, and “The End of The World is Almost Here! Holy God Will Bring Judgment Day on May 21, 2011”

Check this muy caliente video out!

This is video evidence that even in the next world, things can get spicy! Ay ay ay!

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