“Knock knock, anybody home?” Menelaus poked his head through the doggy flap.
“Go away!”
“I brought ice cream.”
“……”
Soy ice cream.”
Ulysses lifted his head off the sofa.

“When’s the last time you…did anything?” Menelaus tried to tame his untamable beard.
“I took a poop four days ago.” Uly said through a mouthful of soy ice cream.
“That’s a medical concern. Not an achievement.”
Papers littered the floor and had been used as a litter box, garbage cans were thrown about like garbage, and a rotting plate of eggs benedict was currently hatching.
“Uly. You’ve got to get over her, man. Or apologize. No woman or amount of pride is worth this.”
Ulysses’ eyes glazed over as he rubbed a glazed donut on his face.
“I am over her! And I’ll never give up my pride. Or my hubris. Besides, I love it here.”
“In the doghouse?”
“Yes, in the doghouse!”
They heard a key in the doggie door.
“Oh shit, that’s my roommate. What a bitch he is.”
The door swung in and Argo trotted in.
“You worthless pothead! I told you to take your shoes off inside!” He howled.
“See? I told you he was a bitch.”

Paris was going to Tashi Station to pick up some power converters when in a flash he was struck by lightning.
It was unbearable, but he couldn’t complain. It was over prettly quickly. And he was unconscious.
Like all people who are unconscious, he had a vision that changed his life. It was an image of a woman who was really really sexy and a virgin. And she was visited by an angel and the angel told her: “Rejoice, you highly favored one! The Lord is with you. Blessed are you among women!” and she was like: “WTF?” and the angel said: “You’re gonna get some sweet sweet loving. And if not…you’re a virgin, what do you know?”
Paris woke up and screamed to the heavens “What does the vision mean?!” And no answer came.
Until ten seconds later when in a flash, he was struck by lightning again (which doesn’t happen often). Like all people who experience rare flukes of chance, he had a vision. In it, he saw himself making sweet sweet love.
He woke up feeling rather refreshed. But wet and sticky in his BVDs. “Ahh, man.”

Argo had poured a round of gin and tonics and set himself before a bowl of Kibbles ‘n’ Bits. “I’ll tell you what, Uly. You’ve got to get out of this doghouse.”
“Thanks for worrying about me, Argo. But I really think its over between me and Penelope.”
“Oh, I’m not worried about you. I’m worried about my white carpets which now have stains all over them, my couch which is getting tattered to shreds, and a front lawn that’s gone yellow from urine.”
Menelaus lifted his shirt, revealing a tattoo of a broken heart with a rat chewing it.
“Love hurts, man. You’ve got to buck up. Get a spine. You’re acting like you’re spayed or something.”
“Hey!” Argo tucked his tail between his legs and licked his wounds.
“Maybe you guys are right. Maybe I should just let go and let God.” Uly said.
“That’s the spirit!” Menelaus popped out of the papasan. “When I find myself in times of trouble, Mother Mary comes to me, speaking words of wisdom: let it be.”
“Who’s Mary?”
“My mother. I just said that.”
Ulysses looked out the doghouse window at his castle across the backyard.
“There’s my love, my life. Just thirty feet away. But it feels like its could be a million miles. All I want is my wife, my life, my family back.”
“Well,” said Menelaus. “Yesterday’s gone and that’s a fact. Now there’s no more looking back.”
A knock on the doggie door. Argo went up on all fours and went barking like mad to answer the door.
“Uly, you’ve got a package!”

The twin suns of Tatooine felt very weak indeed from deep within the sunken adobe vacation home of Paris, humble shepherd boy, and letch.
Currently, he was the Man in a Manwich sandwich nestled between the buns of a Manbun and the bosom of a Ladybun.
His face was wide and glorious, like the face of an openfaced sandwich.
“I’m so hungry I could eat an entire goat right now.” He sighed.
“I’d be happy to feed you some funky pig foot–” said the Manbun.
“Oh, you rascal. No, honeybuns. I mean I’m really hungry.”
“I’ve got a jellyroll if you’re interested–” said Ladybun.
“And I’ve got a donut hole–”
“And I’ve got a beef taco–”
“And I ‘ve got pull pork–”
“And I’ve got a buffet of week old clam chowder.”
“And I’ve got a bag of haggis–”
This went on for another half an hour until Paris finally ordered a “Lollipop” and found out neither of them were talking about real food at all.
“Gods damn it. I mean I’m actually physically hungry for edible sustanance with caloric benefit to maintain my metabolic functions!”
“Ohhhhhhh.” in unison.

Argo the Golden Retriever, Menelaus The King of Sparta, and Ulysses S. Groan The King of Ithaca stood looking down inside the opened FedEx box.
“What the fuck are you dumbshits looking at?”
“I think its a teenaged boy.” Argo said, sniffing.
“I think we should shoot first and ask questions later.” Menelaus said, with a snort.
“I think its my son.” Uly said, sniffling. 

The Boy sat on the ottoman texting and sexting with hundreds of people he didn’t know or knew from World of Warcraft. Occasionally he’d go into the kitchen and eat three days worth of cereal.
“So tell me again what that thing is….” Menelaus said.
Ulysses explained to Menelaus and Argo how just before the wedding of Thetis and Peleus, he had implanted a FastGro Seed in Queen Penelope’s nutrient bath.
“I thought that she hadn’t put a new power converter in it…but I guess she did. And now…I’ve got a son. I’m a father! Hey, I’m a dad!” Uly was so happy he thought about getting off the couch to go into the kitchen and give the boy a hug.
“There’s a letter here. Its from Penelope.” Menelaus handed the scroll over.

Dear Ulysses. As you might have guessed, I put a new power converter in the nutrient bath. Here is our son, Telemachus. He doesn’t answer to that name, but he doesn’t react to anything an adult says. He’s a teenager. Try getting his attention with food. That usually works.
Do you know how hard it is to be a Queen with children at your feet ? Wonder how one manages to make ends meet?
Who finds the money when one pays the rent? Did you think that money was heaven sent? Having a child is no easy task. Children will be the end of us! Take this week for example: Tuesday afternoon was never ending, Wednesday morning papers didn’t come, Thursday night my stockings needed mending. See how they run!
[here was included a video of socks embedded in the text] So I’m giving you Telemachus to deal with. I can’t take it anymore! By the way, can you stop urinating on the lawn? Its killing the grass and the motion lights turn on at night and it keeps me up. [signed] Penelope.”

Back on the farm…the moisture farm that is:
Paris lounged with his lovers Beru and Owen thinking thoughts of thoughtless days of June when the moon is full and flights of fancy are at any dandy’s hand. Yes, it was the good life for Prince Paris, Son of Priam King of Troy.
Since Aphrodite had given him the power to seduce any person he wished, Paris was finally content. The world was his oyster and his ears were filled with the sounds of music, like the hills were alive with it. It was as though Blue Oyster Cult was playing on repeat through a Coclear implant.
In a flash, several Chupacabras crashed through his door and mauled Owen and Beru. They then drug the bodies near the front door and burned them.
Paris was…..flummoxed.
“Why? Why Chupacabras?”
They pointed in unison at the closest closet.
Paris opened the door slowly as Blue Oyster Cult was replaced by high pitched violins.
There, hiding in the closet was Elian Gonzalez.
“You little trouble maker.”
Elian fell in love with Paris immediately.
Just then, Beru and Owen appeared as if in a dream.
“Am I dreaming?”
“Did you go to sleep?” Said Owen.
“No.”
“Then what do you think?” Beru said.
“Geez, what’s your guys problem?”
“We were mauled and cremated by magical Mexican beasts, douche!” said Owen.
“Right.”
“We’re ghosts, Paris.” said Beru, “And we’ve come to tell you…go to Atlantis City. There you will meet the most beautiful woman in the world at the Ms. Universe Beauty Contest.”

A knock came to the doggie door.
Argo barked.
Telemachus played video games.
Uly drank gin.
Menelaus answered the door.
“Its an invitation. To the Ms. Universe beauty pageant in Atlantis City.”
“Roadtrip!” shrieked Telemachus.

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