Remember that movie “Gladiator” by Ridley Scott and remember wishing you could watch it again with arrows inserted in place of tridents and nets?

Consider this your death bed’s dream come true because no other movie this summer will make you want to immediately die after watching it!

Do you feel like a brainless idiot? Well here’s your hero: Robin Hood!
He’s just like you! He also makes witless rejoinders–
“If you touch me, I’ll cut off your manhood.”
(Get ready, here comes Robin Hood’s response!…)
“Thanks for the warning.”
Oh snap! You hear that shit?! That’s just as ‘pants full of shit and still grinning’ stupid as your ‘Booya!’ on Luis in the staff breakroom last week when you asked him: “Want any chips with your hummus?!”
You and Robin Hood are gonna love being fucking dumb together in a dark movie theatre where no one will judge you.

I know you love your ‘pseudo-historical movie knock off of a 3rd graders misremembered story from late night History Channel’ revved up with all the floor sweepings of a dementia sufferer’s knowledge of history. So guess what?
We got English guys living in the time of dragons with all the requisite mud and potato sack clothes with you’ll never guess fucking what…
D-Day Higgins Boats landing at a Normandy-esque beach!
Watch a movie that takes a shit, calls it ‘anachronism’, fetishizes it, and then makes you its unwitting co-conspirator in an orgy of bastardized cliche.

Do you have trouble figuring out Fox News? Do you fumble around day after day fighting with troublesome ‘wiping your own ass’? Well this is gonna be the right movie for you, my drooling friend!
“Rise and Rise Again. Until The Lamb Becomes The Lion….What Does That Mean?”
(Yeah! And what does “stop breathing through your mouth and eating pork rinds during the funeral service you USA Today-reading pile of putrefaction” mean?)
And what’s Robin Hood’s vacuous response? Wait for it….
“Never give up.”
Awesome. You just rubbed my pea sized ‘inspiration button’ until my thighs shook.

Ridley Schlock, you just convinced me to watch your movie “Robin Hood”!

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