My father was a man who always followed the maxim: “Never leave anything unsaid.”
That only meant that he was esoteric, largely meaningless, and impolite. He was still a man of little words.
That’s because he also followed the maxims: “If you can’t say anything nice don’t say anything at all.” and “Speak softly and carry a big stick.”

Everything I know or pretend to know I got by watching my dad. They say that actions speak louder than words and that’s very true. Especially when your actions are usually impaired by alcohol and are trying to recreate scenes from Star Wars. (My dad loved Star Wars but the Ewoks drove him to the drink)

But my dad didn’t leave my raising to chance. He wanted to make absolutely sure that I learned to ignore everything he said by fueling me with endless litanies that he called “good ol’ fashioned wit and witticism”. He said he fancied himself a Mark Twain but I told him that cheating in a frog race is different than writing a story about it. 

Anywho, here’s a compilation of my father’s wisdom, folk sayings, and cliches. You’ll see why no jury could convict me.

Abstinence makes the heart go yonder.
The early worm gets the dirt.
A penny stolen is a penny unearned.
Twenty apples a day–keep the doctor on speed dial.
Mind other peoples’ manners.
Any scapegoat will do.
You can’t uncrack an egg. But with the right tools, you can unbirth a llama.
Don’t let the public lice bite.
I could eat the broad side of a barn.
Keep the ball out of your eye.
The ugly stick is actually her leg bone and she beat herself with it before eating it.
When life gives you shit, make a shit smoothie.
We’ll fill in that moat when we get there.
Warmer than a wizard’s taint in a wool cloak.
A bird in hand may be worth two in the bush, but birds of a feather flock together so hold your hand near your bird net.
For some the only red carpet treatment they’ll know is when their springer spaniel is in heat.
Better never than late if it means less paperwork.
Judging a book by its cover if you’re illiterate shows initiative.
A watched Sun boils.
If Iowa is restless sleep, Minnesota is a sleepwalking wetdream.
Don’t kiss a gift horse on the mouth.
Busy as a bee with its stinger tied behind its back in a stinging contest.
A person who gets all wrapped up in themself is most likely going to need their yoga teacher’s help.
Eating butterflies will give you butterflies in the stomach. 
The brain is the biggest sex organ you have. And if not, congratulations! Woof!
The only thing worse than putting fish in a barrel is shooting them.
A stranger in a strange land of strangers from estranged families.
Let the Wookie win.
Unfit as a tuba.
Drunk as a skunk in a trunk.
Tight as a drunk drum. 
Those who cannot remember the past most likely had a great time.
As difficult as cheesecake.
He bent over and spilled the beans. 
Whatever kills you makes you impervious to pain.
Televangelists are great leaders. In the same way that the lemmings in front are great leaders.
Horny as a no-peckered goat.
Before God we are all equally wise. And equally fucked.
Practice and performance enhancing drugs make perfect. 
Idle genitals are God’s workshop.
Always bring a gun to a knife fight.
Always bring an orangutang to a monkey knife fight.
Creme de la creme de la creme. 
Built like a brick shithouse and conceived in one too.
Chance favors the mind prepared enough to have rigged the game.

–Telemachus S. Groan

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