1. EMPATHY
Empathy is so very important to begin pounding into your infant even before they are born. Empathy, though often misunderstood, is really not too complicated and may be learned by just about anyone. Empathy is the characteristic of being an empath, or one who can read another person’s mind. Fetal empathic training is a practice invented and refined by a reclusive spiritual leader whose name, location, and time in history have otherwise been lost. Stare at the pregnant woman’s belly and speak directly to the belly button (louder if an outie): “I’m thinking of my favorite Led Zeppelin album.” If the child’s first word is “Coda”, they are not an empath.

2. CONFLICT RESOLUTION
Your child is going to grow up in a world of ever increasing violence and warfare. Until your toddler can effectively fend for itself on the mean-streets, it’s going to have to know some sweet talkin’ diplomacy. There are a number of ways to resolve conflict before your tiny forearms are capable of performing a choke hold including empty threats, childish taunts, howls, laughter (this will throw your child’s opponent off, making them believe that either your child is insane or knows something they don’t. Either way, they’ll back off), or spitting into the eyes or mouth. A human mouth has more harmful bacteria than even the anus, and for toddlers this is doubly true. If your child is an empath, its a good idea to train them to send a psychic blast at their enemy a la Professor Xavier but emphasize a firm foundation in spitting.

3) OPENNESS
Your children will lie to you no matter what. However, the more that you can convince them that you don’t really care about what they do and that you won’t enforce any consequences if they do something horrible will encourage them to be open with you. “You can tell me anything. Think of me as your friend.” Will assure you many sordid tales of how they ‘totally did a threesome’.

4) SELF-ESTEEM
Your child will most likely be an abysmal failure at life and a huge schmuck like 95% of everybody else. But that doesn’t mean that they should believe that. American parents have a great track record of over-inflating their children’s sense of awesomeness and humble Peruvians should take note. Drill your child into believing that they “can do anything they set their mind to” and that they should “reach for the stars” and other such drivel. Choose a quiet moment during ‘bedtime tuck in’ when they are about five or six years old and get real serious and whisper to them: “You are not like the other kids. You’re special. You’re the Chosen One and someday your army will trod the nations under its feet. I fear you and worship you, Master.”

5) RESPONSIBILITY
Teach your child how to immerse themselves into a bureaucracy so that responsibility can safely be dissolved across a corporation or secretive cult so as to absolve them from any misdoing.

6) EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION
Just because a person is hearing you, it doesn’t mean that they’re listening to you and just because somebody is listening to you doesn’t mean that they agree with you. Unfortunately many young people today are missing out on proper training in logic, rhetoric, debate, and insulting freestyle rap battles. (for more on rap battling tactics refer here: http://mindflowers.net/2008/01/12/how-to-duel-freestyle-rap-battle/) The old adage of “a child should be seen and not heard” is actually the opposite of how you should be training your child. A heard and not seen child will be able to strike fear and dread into hearts like Batman, The Shadow, and other ominous voiced crime fighters. An effectively communicating child will begin to stand out from their mealy mouthed peers through a technique I call: “Bragging”. Instill into your child the habit of making every statement drip with braggadocio. Consider these examples: “Mommy I wet the bed.” versus “I DESTROYED my mattress with like a gallon of piss up in this mix, yo!” and “I like horses” versus “If you’re horny, let’s do it. Ride it, my pony. My saddle’s waiting. Come and jump on it!”

7) CITIZENSHIP
The fate of the nation is unfortunately in your child’s hands. A great way for your child to learn about citizenship is to watch the greats and follow their example.



8) FAIRNESS
Tattoo into your child’s heart the truth that “all is fair in love and war” and also tattoo it into their skin. Berate into their tiny minds that in a street fight, all is fairgame and that includes biting. The scales of justice will balance once your child gets their pound of flesh. Give them a butcher knife and remind them of the indignities they have withstood. Remind them that performance enhancing drugs are only unfair if the league finds out they’re taking them and to do that, they’d have to take a urine sample. Catheterize your child regularly and fill their bladders with ‘clean’ urine to assure they remain eligible for high school football.

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