There’s been a lot of internet chatter about Justin Bieber (pop sensation, well groomed teen) having Syphilis.
Is it true?

Well, let’s look at the facts:
1) Justin Bieber is real.
2) Syphilis is real.
3) “There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, Than are dreamt of in your philosophy.” –Hamlet
You make the call.

Regardless if Bieber’s got Bieber Fever or not, its a great thing that he’s been labelled Tinsel Town’s latest Chancre Sam.
Check it out:
If Bieber’s got a sore spot for the Sore Spots, that means that Syphilis will become even more popular with the kids and it will become a hot new fad for this Fall’s Back to School Sales. Target can run ads like: “Seeing Spots?” with their ‘target’ logo. Its a marketing no-brainer!
If Bieber does not have Syphilis (which may be the case–let’s not jump to conclusions) he will be spotlighting a new trend that’s sure to take off with the kids and will become a new fad for this Fall’s Back to School Sales. Old Navy can run ads like: “Having Fun is Contagious!” Its a marketing no-brainer.

Now some of you, Bieber included, might be asking: How did I catch Syphilis? That’s a great albeit moot question.
Syphilis can be caught through vaginal and anal sex–but remember! you don’t have to do both to catch it. Even just one of those can do the trick. Oral, even though its not sex, can still pass on Syphilis. So you know what that means: free season on handjobs everybody!

I remember my friend in Junior High coming to me and saying that he thought he’d caught Syphilis and I was like: “Ugh! Why am I always the last one?” and he was like: “Yeah I caught it from a toilet seat.” and I was like: “No way. I saw a Roseanne episode that said you can’t get it from toilet seats.” So because of my stupid advice Tim Purlic didn’t get it checked out. And later he died of Syphilis. It was all my fault. What I should have said was: “You’d have to have sex with a freshly ‘had sex with’ toilet seat to get Syphilis.” I still feel guilty.

A Who’s Who in Syphilis:
Napolean Bonaparte: This pint sized hottie had a gallon of Syphilis and a side of ‘ooooh la la’ to last for days. When he wasn’t galliantly riding his ever-rearing horse, he was guzzlin’ down 40 oz.s of arsenic to smooth out his Syphilis rages. (Yes, Syphilis gives you rages kids! Not just kinda like taking steroids–exactly like that. Think about that as you ready for the next season of football.)

Al Capone: Dude. Need we say more? That’s how gangsta this disease is. The whole movie The Untouchables is a thinly veiled metaphor for how powerful and strong one becomes on ‘the Syph’. (Yes, Syphilis gives you strength and power kids! Not just kinda like taking steroids–exactly like that.)

Bottom Line:
I’ve always enjoyed Justin Bieber’s music. And nothing will ever change that. Except for the appearance of another teen sensation that will make me first hate and then forget about Justin Bieber.

Syphilis Information:
http://www.cdc.gov/std/Syphilis/STDFact-Syphilis.htm

Advertisements