Life is cruel kids. But that doesn’t mean that you can’t look good doing it. I’m talkin’ ’bout style baby! Living large in a dizzing cacaphony of evolutionary forces can be daunting but with the right moves and really tight jeans you’ll not only be surviving, you’ll be thriving!

Share this information with your fellow gang-members and keep it from rival gangs for it will breed certain success in your living and maybe even your breeding. How do you know that this information is only for the most hard boiled badasses dead-set on not gettin’ dead? Its written. Who else still reads except for tough as nails end-of-the-world survivalists who want to be able to read the labels on the tin cans stored in their fallout shelter?

Get the most out of life and pass on your ultra strong genetics to the next generation as quick as possible! Preferably with that really hot new foreign exchange student.

Poisoning
Hey kids! Like duh! Poison is totally gross unless its diluted just enough to give you a kickin’ buzz. Have you been poisoned? Oh oh. How do you know the difference between dying and seeing The Truth? If you’re asking that question, my guess is that you’ve had just the right amount of LSD.
Some poisonings are worse than others. Food poisoning from Taco Bell is one thing, but food poisoning from Taco Bell on a date can feel fatally embarrassing! Ogh! If you’re poisoned call the National Poison Hotline at 1 800 222 1222.

Being Home Alone
Being at home without any parents around is the best thing that can happen to you as a teenager but it can also be very dangerous. Most teenaged fatalities occur when teens are left to their own devices and have ample time behind closed doors to masturbate unfettered by the bounds by society, common sense, human civility, or safety. When I was fifteen and my parents left me alone all weekend while attending a funeral in Iowa, I nearly eunuched myself.
Its important kids to remember to use the Safety Protocol of Rubbin’ One Out: Blisters are cause for pause.

Being Approached By A Stranger
Remember when going home with a stranger to carefully note the streets and landmarks around the motel to which they’re bringing you. This will help you know the closest Chinese Take Out place to suggest.

Snake Bites
Ouch!

Now you’re armed with the most dangerous weapon: knowledge.
And most of you are armed with the second most dangerous weapon: STDs. But we’ll cover that subject later.

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