CHICAGO–In an interview with Oprah, JK Rowling made a threat to the world’s literate: “I could write another Harry Potter book.”

Readers the world over were shocked and worried at the reclusive pulp novelist’s threat. Teenagers and the weak minded masses who slogged through her first several attempts at writing a Harry Potter book were reeling with the news.

“I couldn’t sleep last night. I just tossed and turned thinking about having to work through six hundred pages of wooden and rambling non-events.” Said Maria Esquivel, a thirteen year old from Peru.

In spite of a world of literate fearful, Rowling’s American publisher Scholastic Press expressed great excitement. Scholastic Press released a statement yesterday which stated: “While it is true Harry Potter excitement has dwindled to a groaning ‘meh’, the feelings of obligation around Harry Potter are still quite high. We excitedly await Ms. Rowling’s newest tome of drudgery and restatement!”

Millions who would otherwise be filling their bus riding time reading “People” magazine or doing “E-Z Crossword Adventure! Farm Edition” now face the chance that they will have to relive the droll horrors of the Harry Potter universe.

Asked about Rowlings threat, Ravi Gopal Venkata a 19 year old from India, said “I hate the characters, and the stupid world they live in, but I would have to read it. I hate every stupid thing about the tedium of Harry Potter but I would have to read it and have to write fan fiction about it.”

JK Rowling stated to Oprah that she plans on taking “a writing class at a community college” to brush up on her writing chops.

“When I write dialogue I want it to sound like the best infomercial you’ve ever heard.” She said.

SPOILER ALERT!!!
Here are some of the highlights that Rowling is said to have in store for the next book–leaked from a Rowling insider!

1. Dobby groveling
2. Explore more of the Gryffendor’s common room (the furniture is spooky!)
3. Three hundred pages of Quidditch
4. Moping
5. Fourteen scenes that will be exactly the same. Word for word.

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