Hillary Clinton broke through a door at a press conference in Washington DC this morning, roaring and holding a donkey’s jawbone.
“Honesty will never prevail.” She said in her prepared response to the most recent WikiLeaks release of diplomatic cables.

Addressing WikiLeaks spokesperson Julian Assange directly, Clinton bemoaned “We’re trying to spin a web of lies over here. And you just angered the spider. To be perfectly clear: I have a venom producing gland.”

The diplomatic cables have been upsetting to some nations around the world as they contain such statements from US embassies and diplomatic envoys as: “You hear about the King of Sweden? Yeah, he totally stuffs!” and “Dude, you know that little island country in the Mediterranean? Is it Malta? Is Malta in the Mediterranean? Anyway. Dude, the club scene there is kicking!”

At the closing of Clinton’s press conference, she promised: “We will never stop lying to you, world. We will never stop hiding information from you. Our covert missions and our backdoor dealings and our deceit will never end. That I can promise you. I will make that bad bad WikiLeaks pay.”