Paleolithic Age
When: before 14,000 BCE (before common era)
What: Pre-cave dwelling
Why: Ugg and Ock waiting for cave prices to drop, getting by in a month-to-month field.

Mesolithic Age
14,000-10,000 BCE
Cave culture flourishing.
The ‘middle brother’ of prehistoric times, between the Paleo and Neo. Feels overlooked, despite cool primitive stone work.

Neolithic Age
10,000-4,200 BCE
Viva la Revolucion!
This revolutionary period began with the agricultural revolution (next time you eat brussels sprouts you can either
thank or curse the Neolithics) and ended with the development of metal working.
Crops and domesticated animals created a more stable, situated, and sedentary lifestyle leading many of the Early Copper Age to look in the mirror and say: “Boy, the Neolithic Age was hard on my waistline!”
Joke Of The Age: “Where’s Ukuk?…In his crude yurt ‘polishing his tool’! Hahahaha!”
Factoid of The Age: Polishing of tools in crude yurts.

Early Copper-Stone Age or Chalcolithic Age
4,200-3,300 BCE
Copper working slowly replacing stone tools.
A time of healthy exploration where many identified as ‘Bronze curious.’
Before you scoff at this age take note: horses domesticated and rocks wheeled–nuff said.

Early Bronze Age
3,300-2,000 BCE
“Civilization” arises, tea drunk with pinkies out.
Sumerians create cuneiform writing, Egyptians straight up make those fools look like punks with hieroglyphics.
The urbanization of Palestine [anachronism] occurs, old [anachronistic] Palestinians remember fondly: “There used to be an olive tree orchard there.”

Middle Bronze Age
2,000-1,550 BCE
The Egyptian Middle Kingdom
Arguments about who’ll be portrayed by Bella Lugosi.

Late Bronze Age
1,550-1,200 BCE
Hittite Empire
As empires go, “meh.”

First Iron Age
1,200-930 BCE
Assyrians come for dinner, stay to watch “American Idol” and then end up hanging out until like 11 o clock. What’s up with that?
Meanwhile folks in the Ganges River Valley are like: “Dude, we’ve been making iron for hundreds of years. Get over it.”
Dorians invade Greece, leading to Greek Dark Ages.
The Fall of Troy! (Approximately 1250 BCE actually) caused a migration of peoples from Greece and Mycenaean cities and traveled south. These folks were known collectively as “Sea Peoples” and one group were the ‘Peleset’ or Philistines–the name Palestine is derived from this.

Second Iron Age
930-539 BCE
The fall of Israel in 722 to Assyrian king Sargon. Wailing, rending of sackcloth.
The fall of Judah in 586 to Nebuchadnezzar II of Babylon. Wailing, psalming, beating of chest.

Third Iron Age
539-332 BCE
Persian Empire. As empires go, “not too shabby.”

 

 

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