Start a zine
Raise a cocker spaniel
Trip on smoked banana peels
Pour boiling hot herbal tea into a garden plot and wait for a gazebo to grow
Ignite a sunset
Propose to a garden gnome
Visit the elderly and make them my unwitting models for my “Waiting to Expire” website
Knit a child a sweater made from human hair
Dine among kittens
Take one deep breathe and fourteen little ones then drink three gluten free beers
Join a pottery class only to drop it because “glazing is so passe and its required!”
Recycle jokes I heard from Carlos Mencia as karma
Bury secrets in my closet
Pull someone’s finger whether they want me to or not
Listen to the Beatles Rubber Soul album four times in a row in the dark
Watch Mystery Science Theater 3000 with the sound off with “Dark Side of The Moon” playing
Howl at a sunrise
Light a fire, run away
Put books I don’t want in a bookstore
Sing to the mailperson through the mailslot
Stand in the shower
Write the first sentence of a novel
Dance like people are watching when no one is
Eat ice cream soup
Nap until morning
Raise a family of ducks, cause a divorce and some delinquency
Fly a kite in a lightning storm with the string attached to an electric eel as justice
Fly paper airplanes into airport bathroom stalls
Go to the zoo and ask mournfully: “Who’s really in the cage? Really?”
Daydream, night terror, nocturnally emit, daywalk, moonwalk
Sit in a bathtub
Go window shopping for windows
Swim in a stranger’s eyes
Crank call a relative
Eat popcorn without butter to prove it can be done
Found a museum
Watch a little league game and talk loudly about how commercialized the sport is
Pick a peck of pickled peppers
Plant a tree, chop it down, call it a day
Write a letter to Santa, address it to myself, read it when it arrives and get busy making dolls
Watch “Scooby Doo” and really you know, like ‘feel it,’ man
Watch “Swingblade” as romance
Make a pizza and deliver it to a stranger’s house
Eat mac n’ cheese off a frisbee
Buy a parrot and teach it to say “I love you”–and really mean it this time
Play croquet with a flamingo
Play golf with a mango
Play possum at the library
Baby sit a chair
Prospect for gold in my friend’s house
Study my hand for an hour and think about Carl Sagan
Practice flesh origami
Play guitar with a pool cue
Look up ways to lance boils on the internet
Tell a librarian to lower their voice
Ruin a joke
Tape a note to a public bathroom’s toilet reading: “Carpe Diem”
Listen to punk for once in my life, goddammit
Solve the riddle of the Sphinx
Read the Bible backwards
Wash the ground around a parked car
Whistle a merry little tune
Make a scrapbook of my toenail clippings
Paint furniture!
Draw an insensitive cartoon, release it, then retract it with a poorly worded apology
Put a bandaid under my left eye
Go to a church and raise my hand to ask questions during the sermon
Offer a cemetery to volunteer as a Zombie Lookout
Eavesdrop on others
Ride the bus all day, nap off and on
Watch Judge Judy and learn a thing or two about real life, man
Befriend a fish
Bowl for fish
Fish for compliments
Gamble on a game of “Risk”
Collect comics that feature Wolverine because “I can identify with him.”
Trace the outline of my face and features in the mirror, enter parallel universe
Sew some drapes, y’all!
Lift 12oz. weights
Donate blood
Play volleyball in jeans, then motorcycle away and make love in silhouette
Watch “Space Jam” in slow motion
Write the Wall Street Journal an Op-Ed piece about my opinions, feelings, fears
Deep fat fryer!
Hangout at the grocery store and supermarket shuffle with people in a hurry
Watch a cat give birth while smoking a clove cigarette and making critiques
Listen to AM radio
Eat the watermelon seeds at a watermelon seed spitting contest
Ghost ride the whip
Make lists


When you think of Santa Barbara do you think of frolicking dolphins?
Wine tasting?
So do I!

And I also think about red hot and very raw sewage.
You know, like sewage sushi with lotsa wasabi.

Check it out:
Santa Barbara has the highest rate of sewage spills of cities between Santa Cruz and Thousand Oaks of similar sized sewage systems (100 or more miles). Give us a gold trophy cup filled with stool!

In 2009, Santa Barbara’s sewage spill rate was triple the California average.
That’s 15 spills, people!
But like they say: Don’t cry over spilled milk. Or sewage. Right?

Or…Does Santa Barbara have to comply with the federal Clean Water Act?
You know, the act that makes any spill a violation.

But maybe more than just trying to “follow the rules,” Santa Barbara should
work on their reigning title as Poop Town USA because of risks to public health, the degradation of the environment and quality of life, the endangerment to marine life, the loss of tourism revenue.

So until we can workout a plan for Santa Barbarans to eat less or UPS their feces to some remote fjord, concerned citizens and grossed out tourists can send an email to Santa Barbara’s (lovely and right honorable) Mayor and/or go to Santa Barbara’s Channelkeeper organization for more information.

Mayor Helen Schneider:

SB ChannelKeeper

We’ve been busy at our headquarters in Ann Arbor Michigan dreaming up a pizza that will change the way you think of Domino’s forever. You think you know Domino’s Pizza?
You don’t have a clue.
We’re doing for pizza what Agent Orange did for defoliation. We’re breaking all the rules: not wearing hairnets, sneezing directly into our mixing bowls, and taking a break from the eight foot bong which lives in the corner of our “brain storming room/bathroom”.

We realized we’d grown soft and lazy in our role of “biggest eyesore on strip mall blight aside from Starbucks” and “home of the stinkiest air exchange fan aside from Panda Express”.
It was time for a change. A new sensation. Like when you had to convince your girlfriend of 5 years it was time for ‘backdoor’.
Well we changed. And to make a cool reference, we were like that guy from that soccer movie and we “showed you the money!” We’re fresh and hip and we understand our 14-34 year old stoned male demographic. We know that you do stuff involving video games or whatever it is you’re always doing in the basement and we know that you sell your parents lawn tools on craigslist for weed money and Domino’s.

We normally perform surveys and taste-tests. That’s nothing new. But recently we threw out the rule book and did something different: We asked sober people to tell us what they thought of our pizza. When we got responses ranging from projectile vomiting, screams of anger and confusion, and babies born with developmental delays, we came to the conclusion that maybe our lawyers, honest friends, and sober family members were right: our pizza was barely within raccoon diet range.

We hit the ground running and hit our chief recipe director Sheila Simonsen in the face with a pestle. We told her that a woman named Adria told us to go fuck ourselves through a mouthful of blood, vomit, and pizza. We told her it was time to get our game back. Sheila met the challenge and pestle wound with gusto. “Mama’s got a brand new bag!” she said and produced a fatty sack of gooey Humboldt shrubs.

Listen to what we did!
We got new processed cheese substitute that has four new chemical additives that not only reduce your diarrhea levels, they make your stool smell like a gangrenous gallbladder because our new pizza recipe causes gallbladder gangrene.
We replaced our old meat substance with a wheat and corn enhanced ‘meat’ that uses only the finest slaughterhouse scraps from only the most tortured and depressed cattle.
Our other ingredients include: movie popcorn butter, teenaged shoulder grease, lip gloss, salt, sodium, dehydrated sea water, and the expulsions of a cadaver’s clogged arteries.

Our patented recipe will make you want to go to sleep and never wake up.

You know what we did next? We drove to Adria’s house. You remember Adria, that woman who cursed the day we were born and then succumbed to madcow and E. Coli? Well we paid her a visit at her house. Unannounced. 
But you’ll have to wait to find out what she did when she opened her door in her pajamas to see we’d tracked her down like a wounded antelope!

This was never the way I planned
I blame my digestion
I got so drunk, beer in hand
Lost my discretion
It’s not what, I’m used to
But the flood came so strong
I’m so sorry for you
Caught my expulsion

I pooped on my cat though I fought it
I admit that it was diarrheic
I pooped on my cat by accident
at least it didn’t get on the carpet
It came so strong
My ass clenched tight
I guess I drank too much tonight
I pooped on my cat though I fought it
I fought it

‘Gnome’ is your cute kitty name
It doesn’t matter,
You’re the target of my shame
Just human nature,
You’re not where,
I should poo
ASPCA calls it abuse
My head gets so confused
Hard to obey

I pooped on my cat though I fought it
When I’m drunk my colon gets spastic
I dunged my cat in accident
I hope my roommate don’t mind it
It felt so strong
My ass clenched tight
Gnome’ll haveta sleep outside tonight
I pooped on my cat though I fought it
I fought it

My cat you are so tragical
White fur, pink nose, so kissable
Hope you resist what’s communicable
Too much to deny it
It’s a big deal, its horrid scent

I pooped on my cat though I fought it
I admit there was also some piss
I dunged my cat by accident
I hope Gnome don’t get hepatitis
It felt so strong
My rectal fight
Gnome’ll haveta sleep outside tonight
I pooped on my cat though I fought it
I fought it



Katy Perry



The Good Asian Drivers



Snake Puking a Hippo


Cat Stevens



Emerson  Lake and Palmer


Retha, a volunteer at work, told me she saw this:

Dude, I kick your ass at self-awareness.

Well, it’s because, probably right now, my roommate, who I am falling is love with, is probably fucking his abusive ex, who makes him in return abusive.

I was fucking him two and then 5 nights ago. He is great in bed. I am also falling in love with him. Damn all those bipolar Aries.

And guess what.? Because I am in the pre-ovulation stage of my menstrual cycle, I really just don’t care. I want her dead and I maybe want to be with him and they are fucking in a close-by room. But, well, I finally don’t care! Rock On!

(true true true – you should’ve been there! with me being and feeling all detached and uninterested.)

I am really not looking for a long term relationship for this two week period of time, ya know.?

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