Travel


The original posting is here, although I expect it to disappear soon.  The following is the complete posting, verbatim.

CL los angeles westside-southbay all for sale / wanted boats – by owner

boat image

27′ Sailboat – Ocean view and other benefits – $5000 (Marina Del Rey)

What does captian kurt, popeye, captain hook and tommy lee have in common? They are all bad ass people. Why? Because they were all in command of ships. You should be in command of a ship. You should buy my boat.

I can offer you the opportunity to be in command of this Catalina 27 sailing ship for about the cost of a lot of the stupid stuff you bought, buy or are thinking about buying. I present the following:

Malls & Nipple Milk
I can tell you this; the boat I am selling is less than the cost of that couch you bought at Pottery Barn* after spending 3 weeks researching it on Google**. I don’t care if your favorite mall doesn’t have a roof on it and has a theme. You should be ashamed of half of the mall things you spent hard earned cash money and time on. None of it will take you across oceans and it will not get you a buffaloes milk at Two Harbors (or a nimby cup). Not even close. Do you want your only source of alcohol laden milk to be your pregnant girlfriends nipple because I guarantee it doesn’t have 8 types of rum and 4 types of artificial sweetener in it. If it does muchacho then you should be hanging out with jcvd on a regular basis and won’t be needing this said boat. Back to your mall things.. If you add up the cost of your bed frame, mattress, headboard, box spring, stupid fancy pillows from Target, decorative duvet cover with a cool pattern from ikea and your designer pajamas it probably costs as much as I’m asking and you can have a f*$king BOAT of which can sleep 5 people and will guarantee you more bidness. You won’t find that guarantee in the bedding department at Macy’s. Note: your lame duvet made from rare dead birds is always on sale, you did not hit the Macy’s Bed Bath and Beyond jackpot and score a 300 feather count for 35% off, everyone did and just because you laughed at some actor making fun of Bed, Bath and Beyond doesn’t give you a pass for going there or not going there. And are you really spending your miniscule amount of free time on Earth counting feathers or laughing at jokes about retail stores? And by the way, if you are the type of person who covers your bed with any amount of (especially more than two) decorative pillows, please do not call about my Boat. I am not interested in selling this to a decorative pillow type which is too bad because you my friend are the type that needs this boat more than anyone.

Recreation, Drinking and Sea Monkeys
I understand you have many options on how to spend your free time. How you choose to recreate says a lot about a human being. What I am offering you is the open Pacific Ocean, fishing, going to islands, breathing salty air at sea, breathing atomic four gas powered exhaust fumes, drinking rum, drinking whiskey, drinking cheap beer, drinking expensive beer, drinking the dead sea monkeys floating in the drink that your friend backwashed, spear fishing anything that moves, endless supply of gold colored fish to make into tacos, trapping crabs, getting crabs, free membership to hbyc, a money pit, a fist pumping teeth grinding laser eating dance platform, a new kitchen, a boom that might hit you in the head, a $270 slip fee, the ability to t-bone a stand up paddle boarder, the ability to bbq a t-bone steak, the ability to bone in the v-birth, the chance to see whales, the improved chance to bring a whale out of najas and tying knots. These are fine things. These are gentlemanly things. They certainly beat sitting in car traffic towing your sand rail or three wheeler past a bunch of meth labs to glamis or driving a boat in circles in the std filled cess pool commonly referred to as “the river” or any other so called lake. Does a real man or woman want to recreate in a standing pool of “fresh water” or in a hot desert with a bunch of drunk yahoos with engines strapped to their backs?

Fast Transport
This boat travels as fast as your Audi on the 405. 6 knots at best. And you spent over $30K. Way more than a domestic car just because of the cool logo, neat ads and foreignness of it. Not to mention the way it makes you feel when you look at it after you park it. You could have got a Ford, a 3 wheeler, a sand rail and this boats for the same price. Enough said.

360 Degree Ocean View and the Mexican Navy
Always wanted an ocean view? See above description of how lucky you are. This boat comes with an ocean view of your damn choosing! Imagine a house that could do that. Those creepy realtor types would be drooling all the way to the bank. (Please no inquiries if your picture is on your business card). For the price of a ocean front strand house you could buy a boat like this every month of the year. In fact for $3,000,000 (reasonable price for a strand house) you could buy 600 boats like this. That’s more than the entire navy of Mexico. What would you do with that many boats? You could tie them together end to end and stretch them from Manhattan Beach pier to Hermosa Beach pier 1.7 times. Toss in a few more and you could have a two way sailboat highway spanning the two piers. This would be enough to move the annual 6 man party to sea and save the fun in a town loosing its charm faster than antartica is loosing glacial ice. Everyone would be happy because the kids could again dress up, beam each other with volleyballs and drink booze in the open sun on a WEEKEND. You would be the damn Kevin Bacon of the beach area. People would make movies of how you returned the joy to such an under privileged area of LA. (Math: 1.8 miles between piers = 9504′ / 27′ boat length = 352 boats required for a one way span.)

Screen World or Water World?
Each day the average person spends ?? hours staring at a computer screen, ?? watching a television screen, and ?? hours looking at a smart phone screen. (You do the math). The hope is that eventually there will be enough devices “invented” whereby 24 hours of your day is spent looking at a radiation emitting electronic display screens. These devices with clever names starting with i will range in size to span every increment of that Home Depot tape measure you never use. This will be toped by the inevitable invention of a gigantic screen that allows up to three people to be imbedded in, is only 2 microns thick, is named after a fruit and hurtles through outer space endlessly. I have good news for you my screen collecting swollen eyeball friend. This boat comes with an lcd tv screen and there is cell service all the way to Catalina Island! So you don’t have to skip the pirate dress up wine mixer because you are worried about missing all those great things happening on social media and on dvd.

Boat Includes
— 4 sails
— Atomic four engine
— Mast
— Boom
— Hull
— Rudder
— Tiller
— The book sailing for Dummies (You must have an IQ of at least 30 to learn how to sail)
— A bow with no arrows
— A bunch of life vests

Attention Doomsday Preppers
If you are a doomsday prepper then you have just hit the powerball lottery scratch off confetti falls out of the sky jackpot. Feel free to go into one of those evangelist religious on stage convulsions right now because when shit hits the fan in L.A. (and it will) do you want to be on the roof of your liqour store with a high powered riffle or in the open ocean reading moby dick with a milky rum drink in your skilled knot tieing hands?

In Summary
This boat is cheap, it gives you access to buffaloes milk, it is more fun than your current hobbies, it is fast enough, it has an ocean view, it comes with a TV, comes with everything you need and it might be helpful in case of a disaster. Most importantly it puts you in command of a ship. Go ahead break a bottle of Champagne over the bow, leave your mall things on land and grab the tiller.

$5,000 OBO / trade offers accepted

*ARE YOU F$##KING KIDDING ME. A STORE NAMED “POTTERY” “BARN”? WHOEVER USED THIS TERRIBLE NAME TO DUPE PEOPLE OUT OF HARD EARNED MONEY INTO BUYING EVERYTHING BUT POTTERY OUT OF ANYTHING BUT A BARN AND SELLING SHIT ALL MADE IN CHINA BUT DESIGNED TO LOOK ANYTHING BUT CHINESE AND I STILL HAVENT SOLD THIS BOAT IS BEYOND ME.

** Google = Best slot machine ever invented. Insert letters instead of coins. Output hyperlinks instead of cash. Google is paid by 3rd party XYZ business for the participants pleasure of playing this terrible slot machine for “free”. But participants pay end up paying in dead brain cells instead of cash and XYZ business trades cash for a snowflakes chance in hell of converting a mouse click to a sale. Only benefit of all this is it finally puts bad newspapers out of business.

*** If you happened to buy a mattress from that old white guy who shrieks “if you find a mattress for a lower price your mattress is free!!!” please, please, please, please don’t f$@king contact me. Did you really think that A-Hole is going to give away a free mattress if you found one for a lower price? Have you heard of anyone getting a free mattress from that damn place? How can our government allow such a thing. I will not give you my boat for free if you find one for less. In fact you will probably be more likely to sink would be my guess. And if you are the type that needs the government to protect you or wastes time complaining about the government also don’t contact me.
Location: Marina Del Rey

do NOT contact me with unsolicited services or offers

© 2013 craigslist

A few months ago my partner and I flew to Rio. We were traveling in September, which is near the end of Brazil’s southern hemisphered winter, so it was kind of chilly and overcast for most of the trip. An interesting southern hemisphere knowledge morsel: toilets flow the opposite direction, which is caused by what is known as the the Coriolis force, the internet tells me.

Rio is perhaps the prettiest city in the world, nestled between beaches and hills. It is incredibly expensive, as the government is experimenting with the currency to prepare for the next Olympics and World Cup. There are also plenty of investors paying for infrastructure to cater to the promised influx of wealthy tourists. Thus, there is a plethora of income disparity with rich folks flying around town safely and efficiently in personal helicopters, and poor folks that live their lives squatting in shacks on the hillside on dollars a day. These hillside squatter shack neighborhoods are known as favellas, and have to be among the most aesthetically appealing ghettos anywhere. Many are hyper-dangerous to outsiders, as evidenced by the heavily armed police at the entrances keeping misguided tourists out. They are also known for their rawness and their strong sense of community. Recently, sadly, many are getting displaced because of the Olympic/World Cup gentrification and many of the favellas’ appealing proximity to downtown.

For our first few nights in Rio we rented an apartment right off Copacabana beach. OMG, this is an urban beaches worth singing about, breathtakingly beautiful, golden, sunsets to die for, miles and miles of action packed urban paradise! There are folks wandering the beach selling everything liquid, with canisters of putrid tasting coffee served in tiny plastic cups, fresh coconuts opened with hatchets, lots of sugar cane liquor, fresh fruit and beer. The beer situation is odd — the quality of beer doesn’t seem to matter, just the temperature. They serve it in small cups so the beer doesn’t have time to warm, and then they slide the bottle in a fitted beer cooler. The colder the better, so you can’t taste how crappy it is. Fresh juice is HUGE, and around every corner of Brazil is a juice bar. You can get any kind of tropical juice by just pointing at which fruit you’d like, from passion fruit to kiwi to strawberry. They’ll squeeze it for you in front of you. We saw a fellow wander in and order an orange juice. He then proceeded to pour a pyramid of sugar on top, stirred it in and slammed it. Those Brazilians love their sugar.

There is a huge Japanese influence in Brazil, which shows its face with fast food sushi, served in a cone. Apparently, Brazilians love things served in cones, such as pizza. Very strange. All of our meals were too salty, even at fine dining restaurants. There is nothing you can do about it. Even if you ask for no salt, they’ll likely look with their beautiful eyes and then oversalt your food anyway. Our most incredible meal was at a Brazilian Steak House. They had three servers with bow ties who wander around with lamb, pork, chicken or 12 cuts of steak. There are also salad and sushi bars (Japanese influence), and it is all one price. Totally worth it. Never eaten better or more meat in my life. Bonnie doesn’t typically eat much meat, but she ate her weight at this place. Quite the experience and now we know the difference in taste between a cow’s rump and hump! It took more than three hours, allowing time for digestion so we could eat more.

We wandered Rio and experienced an absurd nightclub scene that makes Ybor City look like a Mennonite village. Rio-ites stay up all night, partying in the streets and in clubs with bass bouncing around every corner. Both men and women dance, and Brazilians seem to have laser pin-point precise control over their butt cheeks. Public displays of affection are commonplace, I’m told, which is in contrast to the US. People are deeply making out wherever we went with no regard for our Puritan social norms. Another aspect of this is with some young adult men who wander around with semi-hard ons. You’ll see them periodically flick themselves to keep them semi. Apparently this is attractive in some circles.

Perhaps my favorite moment was one morning, I got up early and watched a purple sunrise over the beach and then went body surfing with a small boogie board for several hours. Then my partner met me on the beach with a fresh coconut. I did so much swimming and relaxing at beaches during this trip. At one point we went to an island where the beach has 15 feet waves. I went into my ankles, which was probably too much. It still felt like I could be pulled out to see at any moment.

Christianity is HUGE, both Catholic and Fundamentalism. We wandered near several churches that seemed like the kind Sarah Palin’s family would attend, with preachers yelling into microphones, people graveling, folks packed in their like sardine cans. Because of this religious leaning, abortion is illegal and the government doesn’t support family planning/birth control. Interestingly enough, there is still a decreasing birthrate. This has been attributed to the soap operas, which are prime time events. Everyone watches them, including men and children. They are in smaller series, lasting only a few months at a time. Recent series over the past years have featured childless women in their 30s, and this influence has spread into the masses. Also, a series had a young girl with lukemia, and that month blood marrow donations increased 50 fold.

Other highlights: we ended up taking an rickety bus ride to a remote hippie beach village called Trinidade where we were treated to golden beaches, enough patchouli to make smoke signals visible from the moon, and some of what must be the finest muqueca (coconut milk stew) on the planet. We also went to an island village with no cars and plenty of monkeys to interact with. Apparently, Brazilians are fascinated with squirrels like we are fascinated with monkeys.

It takes a unique confluence of ignorance, social pathology and artistic unfitness to get public art so wrong that it becomes deserving of our contempt. A public statue can invoke a ‘sense of place’, express a community’s values, inspire, memorialize, and engage the public at large with a sense of lasting grandeur–of the meaning of art in our lives.

A public statue can also frighten, disturb, confuse, ruin a person’s day, and perhaps even discourage a community from leaving the house in the first place.

The exemplary pinnacle of the latter type of statue is found in otherwise beautiful Santa Barbara, California.
I ask you to behold the horror that is “Generation Bridge.”

Look not long, lest you form an ocular ulcer or so sully your human soul that no penance can redeem you. 
This is your MindFlowers “Creepiest Statue” award winner and believe me it was not a close contest.

The statue “Generation Bridge” can be found near:
15 E. Figueroa St. in the ‘La Arcada.’
Despite it being in an open and heavily foot trafficked gallery, once you are there–there is no escape.

Here we see that the bent and leering Old Man is holding out some melty chocolate in his grimy, sweaty hands as one may hold to a dog a piece of hamburger with a euthanizing dose of tranquilizers hidden inside.
After the viewer decides to never again eat Hershey’s chocolate, they inevitably begin to try to remember the last time a piece of art prompted them to almost call the police.
 

Here we have the biblical picture of what destructive greed looks like. Note the consuming need for chocolate written across her face that is surely meant to serve as a Willy Wonka-esque commentary on how a ‘sweet tooth’ inevitably leads to children disappearing.
What clinched this statue as “world’s creepiest” is not just the theme and content of the statue, but the aesthetic ‘little touches’ that are indicative of an artist’s spiraling syphilitic madness. The choice to paint bronze is beside the point: marvel at the sickly pink pajamas that may or may not be made of asbestos.

At first glance, if you are a rational member of society you may think “Wow. The ol’ creepy-guy-with-candy trope. That’s disgusting.” But even then, you have not plumbed the depth of this statue’s depravity.  
Pictured below, you can see that this Creepy Old Man is certainly no ‘one trick pony’ when it comes to debauching children who happen to wander by his Shelob-like web.

Like a rabid St. Bernard, Ol’ Creepy stands guard between the girl and the safe re-capture of Dolly. 
As public art goes; deplorable. As strategy guide for dragons, terrorists, and Lex Luthor; brilliant.  

Below, the plaque honoring the creator of the Creepiest Statue, Seward Johnson. Kudos, dear sir.
Your art may not last long outside the walls of city dumps but your fiendish statements of ‘art’ will live on in our collective nightmares forever.

Does your city have a ‘runner-up?’ Drop us a line and a picture!

http://www.waymarking.com/waymarks/WM9RD7
http://www.sewardjohnson.com/site/index.html

Many of us who live in U.S. urban and suburban environments are now witnessing the twilight of the U.S. Car Culture.
This current car culture I characterize by:
a) privately owned vehicles
b) which get less than 100 miles per gallon of gas
c) are the primary transportation for a individual or family
d) are not ‘smart linked’ to an organizing network enabling hands free driving
e) weigh an average of more than 1,800 pounds

In the interests of the health of our world, our local communities, our families, and ourselves it is a very good thing that all five of these current features of
our U.S. car culture will be going extinct for many areas.

This post will gather information of why we all have cause to celebrate the end of the old way of U.S. car culture and encourage you to quicken the pace of the change through your own political voice and action. Web sources will be available below as well as book citation.

THE OLD WAY OF DOING CARS IS HORRIBLY EXPENSIVE AND ISN’T WORTH IT
In 2004 the average household spent 17% of their income on car ownership and operating costs per year.
In 1996, car loans represented one third of all consumer debt (Alvord 102).
Because of depreciation, a new car costs you almost 15 dollars a day whether it is used or not (Alvord 102).
In 2000, repairs and maintenence averaged around 750 dollars a year per car (Alvord 102).

BUT THERE’S MORE HIDDEN COSTS!
Parking lots and garages, tolls, parking tickets, speeding tickets, ‘upgrades/bells and whistles’.
Taxes subsidize road and driver infrastructure.

“Researcher Douglass Lee calculates that U.S. taxpayers contribute over $41 billion a year to cover the road costs that drivers don’t (Alvord 105).”

“Friends of the Earth estimates that oil production, health and property damage, and related clean-up costs the U.S. about $10 billion yearly (Alvord 107).”

“Congestion costs may total as much as $168 billion a year in the U.S. (Alvord 107).”

“American motorists pay $52 billion a year in extra vehicle repairs and operating costs, and $230 billion a year for medical costs, lost productivity, travel delay, workplace costs, insurance costs, and legal costs stemming from motor vehicle accidents.”
http://cpr.ca.gov/CPR_Report/Issues_and_Recommendations/Chapter_4_Infrastructure/INF20.html

Commuting a total of 1.25 hours a day will cost you about 28,ooo dollars a year in opportunity cost (time missed from actually working).
http://steve-olson.com/the-high-cost-of-commuting-to-work/

OUR CURRENT CAR CULTURE COSTS TOO MUCH IN HUMAN SUFFERING AND DEATH

Killed in car accidents 42,116*
Killed by the common flu 20,000*
Killed by murders 15,517*
Killed in airline crashes
(of 477m passenger trips)
120 (1)
Killed by lightning strikes 90*
(1) Annual average over 19 year period.
*Average annual totals in United States.

http://www.unitedjustice.com/death-statistics.html

Researchers found that artery wall thickening among people living within 100 meters (328 feet) of a Los Angeles highway progressed twice as quickly as those who lived farther away.
http://www.futurepundit.com/archives/006946.html

“…minute sooty particles, emitted largely from the burning of diesel and other fuels and inhaled deeply into the lungs, shortens lives by seven to eight months. In pollution hotspots like areas of central London and other cities, the particles could be cutting vulnerable people’s lives short by as much as nine years.”
http://www.guardian.co.uk/environment/2010/mar/22/air-pollution-deaths

How will you speed the transition to better transportation and standard of living?

Alvord, Katie. “Divorce Your Car: Ending The Love Affair With The Automobile” (Gabriola Island: New Society Publishers. 2000)

http://www.nbcphiladelphia.com/news/weird/Witnesses-Watch-Person-Free-Fall-From-the-Sky-102976854.html

EGG HARBOR TOWNSHIP, NEW JERSEY–Time/Space Continuum travelling enthusiasts were given reason to celebrate this week when famed wormhole explorer D.B. Cooper was sighted over a New Jersey strip mall.

“This has reignited interest in Cooper’s work and we are confident that Mr. Cooper made this appearance to garner attention to our upcoming TARDIS race.” Said Eunice Macklethwait III, president of the London based Quantum Travelling Club.

File:Dbc.jpg

D.B. Cooper, last seen falling from the sky over rural Pakistan in 2005, completed his fifty seventh midair appearance at 3:20pm Tuesday, September 14. Many are saying it was his best. 

Lionel Musgrave II, a longtime D.B. Cooper fan excitedly took readings of anti-matter and sampled ectoplasm near the Egg Harbor site. “This was great. A very understated and subtle free fall. It is a testament to his growth as not only a time/space traveler, but as an artist.”

Musgrave has been witness to several Cooper Falls.

“I was there for St. Petersburg in 2001. I was there for the ’94 Antartica fall. I have got to say that Egg Harbor, while off the beaten path, is a great choice. An inspired choice. Have you tried the Italian food around here? To die for.”

Cooper’s journey began November 24th 1971 when he jumped from the back of a commercial airliner to explore a Time Rift. Many shamans and physicists agree that unknown to Cooper, the rift had become corrupted in part by mysterious rays from Mars and the nightmares of children. It is widely speculated that Cooper then would have faced the judgment of Time Lord Xazthus, Sovereign Ruler of Sector 2814.

In the text considered authoritative on Cooper’s travels, Fall From Grace,  author Dr. Victor Maze writes:
“After facing Xazthus and having his soul weighed and found wanting, Cooper was condemned to ever fall through open space and infinite time.”

Spectators in Egg Harbor remain gathered near the strip mall, days after the sighting, with high hopes for another glimpse at the world’s most handsome and damned time traveler.

Chevy’s wheels unzipped the American highway opening the plains’ to their eyes like an octogenarian before a Geriatric Doctor. Mesa melted into chess board and wheat headed the way of corn to the lazy fallacio of oil rigs.
Lonely diners sat begrudgingly at diners that expected some sighs of respite despite their trite decor and rancorous tripe. With each unsavory Anti-Savoy that salted their palates, the Travelling Trio gained in artery blockage what they lost in will to live. 

Cannoned beetles and Polaroid overexposed flashes negated the land. Over-hot engines roared their dissapproval of what God had done with the place. A blasted existence of half myth and much too much religion, the American Middle Earth was the outie belly button of a porcine dead and bloated carcass: the most accessible sign of a great creature’s once held dignity and tragic beauty. Trailer trucks loaded with lethal appliances and drivers loaded with reds, vitamin C, and cocaine combated sleep and each other in a fight that assured busier lands and people their daily mounds of unneeded and unappreciated ‘needs’.

Two Kings, a Prince, and a Pooch on way to Atlantis City stepped from their hoop skirt shaped TARDIS and blinked at the unforgiving Sol Invictus. Menelaus hung the dress over a rusted and derelict gas pump as Argo made water on a Ford parked nearby. King of Ithaca and his only begotten son argued over the last stick of beef jerky.

Wayside hotels of highways littered the plains giving sup at the teets of road warriors and shelter to the lecherous from leering eyes. Mornings come early in these placard thin walled ant farms, with wake up calls coming in screaming wet sheeted children, boot galloping galoots, and the shrieks of tattooed shieks and their crystaled harems.

Coordinates collected and stars sextanted, Argo hailed the group back into the hoop skirt TARDIS The Lora. Ambling rambling back in, they blipped out of one particular existence. The web of universes is infinite and bubbling always with new and unnecessary permutations. Famously, in one universe, there is but a three volume set of The Complete Works of Thomas Mann floating in endless space. But all universes and their respective times have one hub, one place/time in common within their possibilities: Topeka Kansas.

All beings will at some time be incarnated within the city’s limits. To honor the TopekaHub, in the exact center of Jupiter there is an exact replica of the Cypress Ridge Golf Course made out of rubies and emeralds. Many thetans have played both golf courses and attest that the Fourth Hole is crazy difficult.

A few more blips about the American Plains, and the Trio’s Hoop Skirt appeared in front of the Helen Hocker Center for the Performing Arts and soon, with a number of aligning worm holes, the group was able to punch in Atlantis City in the NavCom.

O Topeka! Somehow it is true that you are a little bit of heaven. Even though heaven is infinite and any portion of infinity is also infinite. O Magic! O Wonder! O What Convenient Parking Ramps! What Quality City Sewage Services!

O Topekaaaaaa!
Gonna give you bunions, rickets and perturbations,
Pestle fer the mortars,
Syphilis and accusations!
Flowers on the prarie like the canker sores bloom,
Plenty of beer to help you cope,
Plenty of room to hide and elope!
Plenty of meth and plenty of dope.

O Topekaaaa!
Where the wind comes sweepin’ down the slacks
And the wavin’ sheets can smell like meat
When trapped wind is followed by the ‘rain’.
O Topekaaaaa!
Ev’ry night my honey hand and I
Sit alone and ‘talk’ while peeper toms stop to gawk
At me makin’ crazy circles on my thigh.

We know we belong to the land
And the land we belong to is grand!
And when we say
Yeeow! Ayipioeeay!
We’re only sayin’
You’re doin’ fine, Topeka!
Topeka, you’re less than great but better than O.K.

The purpose of this blog is to get you ready for the second most important day of your life–the first being the day you drank those four quarts of bleach. I want to convey to you 1) the great urgency in the world 2) urgency I personally feel for a bathroom 3) the atmosphere of urgency I want to create so that you could be compelled to make a horrible life decision about religion.

Everything the Bible declares has the full authority of God Himself. How do I know that the Bible is true? The Bible says it’s true. How do I know that Superman is stronger than Bizarro? The comics tell me so. How do I know that the transmissions I receive in my head are the voices of Frank Capra and Eugene O’Neill? They said so.

Now, at this time, information is coming forth from the Bible through me through this blog which all clearly reveal God’s plan for Judgment Day, the end of the world, and the International Beer Festival in Frankenmuth Michigan.

The Bible has opened up slowly it’s milky white pages and parted it’s silky smooth bindings to reveal it’s delicate and sweet sweet secrets to me.
This information was never previously known because God had been coy and kept the blossom of his Word pure until now.

It has become very obvious to the serious student of the Bible, meaning every highschool drop out who has read The Bible Code and watched the movie The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe that we are now living in the last few days of earth’s history. The history of the Moon is ending soon too. Sorry, lunar rover.

The Bible’s calendar of history is completely accurate and trustworthy. I have removed my iCalendar function from my computer and now rely solely on Nahum and Habukkuk to remind me when my electroshock therapy is scheduled so that I can ‘accidentally’ be out of town and miss the appointment.

Since this Bible calendar is given by God in His Word, it can be trusted wholeheartedly.
So can it’s recipes. Have you ever had honey and locusts? Try it!

I highly recommend that you obtain a free copy of the book “We Are Almost There!” by writing to the following address: Family Stations, Inc., 290 Hegenberger Rd., Oakland, CA 94621.
If you are too busy to mail an envelope as you get ready for the end of the world, i.e. building a bombshelter, screaming on sidewalks, or shamefully crying over your recent masturbation session to the Mormon Tabernacle DVD your Grandmother gave you, get more apocalyptic know-how at: www.familyradio.com.

The Times Of Every Important Event In History

11,013 BC—Creation.  God creates the world and Adam.
11,o13 BC–God creates woman from Adam’s rib.
11,039 BC–Another hole is tried out and Cain is born.

4990 BC—The flood of Noah.  Everybody dies in a worldwide flood.  Only Noah, his milf wife, and his 3 sons and their swappable wives survive in the boat along with dinosaurs, buffalo, dodos, and dragons (6023 years from creation). Frannie Mickelsen tragically dies at the age of 9 after just learning how to doggy paddle really good.

7 BC—The year Jesus H. Christ is born (11,006 years from creation). NOT 4 AD. Seriously. And on Christmas Day. Seriously.

33 AD—The year Jesus H. Christ goes on vacation to India and gets food poisoning and dies.
(11,045 years from creation; 5023 calendar years from the flood).

1988 AD—This year ended the church age and Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up tops the charts (13,000 years from creation). Seriously.

1994 AD—On September 7th, the first 2300-day period of the greater tribulation came to an end and Here Comes the Hotstepper by Ini Kamoze makes number one on the Billboard charts (13,006 years from creation). Seriously. I’m not making this shit up.

2011 AD—On May 21st, Frankenmuth Michigan will host their Annual World Expo of Beer!
http://www.frankenmuthfestivals.com/
http://www.worldexpoofbeer.com/expo/

Next Page »